In Part I of When Your Spouse Objectifies in Public, I talked about the painful experience many betrayed partners face when they are out in public with their spouse, and they have the perception that their spouse is objectifying other people. (If you haven’t read Part I, get the whole article here.)
Here in Part II, I will introduce some tools both betrayed partners and unfaithful spouses can use when objectification in public has become an issue in your relationship.
One of the most challenging parts about a betrayed partner’s experience of her spouse objectifying in public is that it starts with a perception or thought that may or may not be true.
For that reason, as you are working on this issue I urge you to avoid automatically assuming or believing that your perception is the truth with a capital “T”.
Since objectification happens in the mind, the other person is the only one who can truly verify what they are thinking about.
You may see your spouse staring into space as the two of you are sitting in the airport waiting to board a flight, or you may see him looking a bit too long in the direction of an attractive waiter or store clerk. But does that mean—beyond a shadow of a doubt—that he is objectifying? The difficult truth is that you can’t know it to be absolutely true unless it is verified by him or her.
To be fair, it is extremely common for unfaithful spouses and sex addicts to struggle with objectification. And if you strongly suspect or already know that your spouse frequently objectifies other people when the two of you are together in public, there are steps you can take to reduce the pain that goes hand-in-hand with these events.
Objectification is such a common problem for sex addicts that the 12-step community, Sex Addicts Anonymous (SAA), created a tool called the “Three-Second Rule” to help addicts manage the unhealthy habit of looking at and objectifying others. There are several ways to use this tool, including one version that uses the phrase “Alert, Avert, Affirm.” To read more about the Three-Second Rule, visit the SAA website here.
If objectification in public has become a problem in your relationship, here are 3 steps you can take:
1
Check out your perception
Although you may be 100% correct that your spouse is objectifying someone, checking out what you are perceiving or “making up” is relational, emotionally intimate, and reminds you not to believe everything you think! Proceeding full steam ahead based on assumptions is human, but often gets us into trouble.
And here is how it might sound to check out your perception:
I noticed you looking in the direction where the waitress was for what seemed like a long time to me. I made up that you were objectifying her. Were you?
I want to take a pause here to note how frightening it might feel for you to ask this question.
First, it takes a lot of courage and vulnerability. And second, what if your spouse says yes, he was objectifying? Or even worse, what if you truly believe in your heart that he has been objectifying the waitress for the entire meal and he says he wasn’t—and you don’t believe him?
Regardless of your spouse’s response to the question, it is best to start by sharing your reality and checking it out with him or her. Believing everything you make up, and proceeding as though what you made up is true, is guaranteed to cause untold pain and endless misunderstanding.
2
Assess your spouse’s response
There are three possibilities for how your spouse may respond to your question about whether or not he was objectifying another person:
- Yes, I was
- No, I wasn’t (and you believe your spouse)
- No, I wasn’t (and you don’t believe your spouse)
If your spouse says he was objectifying the waitress, you will probably feel hurt, angry, and maybe ashamed. Your spouse may feel shame, or even anger at himself.
If your feelings are strong, but you believe you can express them in a calm way, then do.
There are many choices you can make in this situation, including requesting that your spouse make adjustments to where he is standing, sitting, etc. so that it is more difficult to engage in objectifying behaviors.
If you’re feeling triggered, do whatever creates more safety and comfort for you. For example, if you’re at a child’s sporting event or a social gathering you could temporarily disengage with your spouse so that you can mingle and talk with other people.
If you are highly triggered or overwhelmed, you may want to leave or otherwise completely remove yourself from an uncomfortable situation, and wait until you’re feeling calmer to have a conversation, especially if there are other people present.
If your spouse says he wasn’t objectifying, check in with yourself to see if you believe him. If you do, then there may be nothing more to say or do about it. If you don’t believe him, I encourage you to honor your intuition and do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You could use some of the strategies mentioned earlier, or find another solution that helps you feel safer, calmer, and more grounded. When all else fails, excuse yourself to go to the restroom, or go to a private place and call or text a supportive friend.
2
Create a plan for managing future events
In the early stages of discovery and disclosure, objectification in public is a problem for most unfaithful spouses. This reality, as well as the betrayed partners raw emotions at this time, make for a difficult, yet temporary challenge for each member of the couple.
Having a plan and strategies for how you will handle certain situations in the future will help make this period of time more manageable and less painful.
Start by creating a list of what would help you feel more safe in public when you’re with your spouse.
For example, some partners say that they feel more comfortable when their spouse is engaging in conversation with them regularly or having more physical contact such as holding hands or other non-sexual touch that sends a signal to the betrayed partner that her spouse is thinking of her and reaching for connection.
Ask your spouse what he/she believes the solution to the issue is? Creative solutions that have worked for unfaithful spouses who struggle with objectifying include:
- Wearing a hat that blocks their peripheral vision.
- Sitting in a restaurant or other public place facing a wall rather than the room or an area where many people are sitting or walking by.
- Asking to trade places with the betrayed partner in a restaurant or other public place when there is someone in the unfaithful spouse’s view that he/she finds triggering.
- Turning pool or beach chairs around facing the opposite direction of the pool or the water so that they are not only facing away from temptation, but are also facing the partner for more connection.
Once you have a list of what creates safety for you and any tools or strategies your spouse is committed to using, create an agreement about how you will handle future situations, and write those down in a couples’ agreement journal.
3
Temporarily reduce or eliminate public outings together
Although this option may seem severe, it can work for couples when there are frequent upsets and challenges, or when the betrayed partner is feeling particularly triggered and vulnerable.
If you prefer not to completely stop attending public outings together, you could identify the types of events you are willing to go to and only attend those. For example, if your children are involved in sporting events, you may want to attend those together but not go out to a restaurant or an office holiday party. You can also choose to go in separate vehicles to all or some events so that you have the option and freedom to leave at a different time than your spouse.
If you decide to temporarily stop going to public or social events together, or to limit the types of events you attend, I recommend that you create a timeframe with check-ins. For example, if you agree that you want to eliminate public outings for 30 days, have a check-in with each other at the two week mark to review and reassess. If the betrayed partner is feeling more comfortable, she may want to experiment with going to one or two events with her spouse to see how she feels before changing the agreement. Whatever the time frame, stick to your commitment.
The bottom line is that although your spouse’s struggles with objectification impact you, they are not about you.
The good news is that over time and with solid recovery work, your spouse will spend less time lost in objectification and fantasy. And even more important, as you begin to have a greater understanding that what your spouse thinks about other women (or men) is not a reflection on your self-worth and value, your triggers will significantly decrease and may disappear altogether.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2018)
What does a wife of a sex addict do when her addict husband travels constantly for work and rides in a vehicle with female reps everyday? Especially difficult for me, knowing he, in the past, has had no boundaries when it comes to flirting and trying to impress female co-workers. This is a constant struggle for me. Thank you
Hi Cathy, this is a great question with a complex answer.
The two most important factors to addressing this issue are 1) a good sobriety and safety plan for your husband with input from a knowledgeable therapist and sponsor, and 2) your requests of your husband for transparency and restoring trust.
Since #2 is something you have power over, I highly recommend completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier on this particular issue. You can download one here. Instructions for how to complete a 5-SBS Clarifier are in my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, as well as my weekly podcast, starting with Episode 9. You can get the first of a series of episodes that will walk you through the process here.
Great article! Thank you.
Thank you for these two articles on this very difficult issue. It has created problems for me since I decided to face up to my husband’s addiction to internet porn three years ago, which was when he finally decided to quit after 15+ years, although it his addictive behaviours went back to a time before the internet. I didn’t actually notice this behaviour until 2-3 years before D day and of course the shame was on me because he had no longer wanted a sexual relationship with me for some years and so I rationalised it by saying “it’s because he’s not getting any sex” and I blamed myself for growing older which meant, in my mind, becoming less sexually attractive. I admit that I was tangled up in learned helplessness back then.
When I reached my rock bottom and he finally quit, I was triggered by everything. I couldn’t bear to watch TV because there would inevitably be a beautiful young actress, and if we went out there would be a pretty waitress or an attractive woman in the store… and so on. I think it would be fair to say he probably did objectify sometimes, but as your articles on boundaries show, I was also making up stories in my own mind every time. I would feel intense anxiety and also the shame of not being attractive or beautiful enough. That I wasn’t good enough to be by his side. Also, by the time I reached my own personal rock bottom I had such a negative body image to the point of body dysmorphia. I was in a very bad way, emotionally and physically. The problem I have with my husband now is that if we go out and he picks up on my anxieties about whether or not he is objectifying a woman in his field of vision, he becomes very confrontational with me, sometimes even angry at me. He has always denied flat out that he does it even though it’s something that porn addicts admit to and struggle with in the recovery communities. When he gets angry I end up feeling even worse, as if I’m being blamed for causing the problem in the first place. It’s more difficult to talk myself through it in the moment because within seconds my husband will be on my case.
In the past week I’m actually taking the first step of the 5-step Clarifier, that is Data – Thoughts – Feelings, just to create a little bit of thinking space for myself when I’m in the moment and when I’m talking myself down from the frequent anxieties that arise from addiction fallout. Is there anything I can do or say in the moment when my husband is reacting, with some degree of hostility and certainly without empathy, to my being triggered in the moment?
Hi Hannah, this could be a situation where you need to create a boundary of temporarily not going to public places with your husband, especially if your triggers are made worse by his reactivity.
The good news is that over time if both of you are engaged in your own work, these kinds of incidents will be fewer and farther between, and when they do come up they will be less triggering.
Take good care!
My situation is a bit different. He does admit to objectifying women literally everywhere we go. He says he can not stop himself. He says that before he stopped watching porn, it wasn’t that bad, but now that he’s quit watching it, everywhere we go, he finds someone to undress in his mind and have a sexual fantasy about, to compensate for the lack of porn, maybe?
I am at my wits end with this. Especially considering teenagers are his largest target. Every day he goes to work, and he’s admitted he does this on a daily basis with his coworkers. I was in a pretty bad auto accident, and he did it in the hospital. I had a mini-stroke attributed to the stress I’d constantly been under, of course he did it again. Gas stations, grocery stores, just driving down the road and seeing someone walking. My sons school functions are the worst, though. Plenty of teenagers there. Its disturbing. It hurts me inside like nothing else. I’ve begged him a few times to go back to watching porn. But he refuses. And here we are 15 months later, and it’s not easing up, it’s just getting worse.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I truly dont know where else to turn. And this constant pain has me in a place no one should ever have to be.
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office until April 15 and will reply after she returns.
Brandy, I am so sorry to hear about all of the painful feelings you are having related to your husband’s struggle with objectification.
There are two parts to the issue: one is how you perceive and manage this trigger, and the other is your husband’s efforts to manage himself. This last part is completely out of your control.
This is a complex issue that will take time for you to work through and includes knowing how to manage triggers, and how to establish appropriate boundaries in your situation. I recommend checking out my Taming Triggers Solution Online Course as well as my book Moving Beyond Betrayal and the companion online course, Moving Beyond Betrayal Partner’s Boundaries Online Course.
Wishing you healing and peace.
Thank you for your two articles on this issue. After learning of my husband’s 40 year porn addiction, D-Day one year ago/ married for 30 years, objectifying women has become our number one struggle now. It was always a problem in our marriage and my husband made me believe it was my problem. I knew in my heart the truth, but his persistent gaslighting and my attempt to smooth the waters for the kid’s sake, let him continue disrespecting me in public. I would tell him how horrible it hurts me, he would deny, call me insecure and that he was just a “normal man”. He would then withdraw and pout. It would make me feel guilty and I hated to see him hurt, which I now know was gaslighting. I would then go apologize to him for my feelings when he objectified. I’m ashamed to say that this occurred for decades.
I now know that his objectification of women was a huge problem and fueled by a very long porn addiction. He hid his addiction at his workplace. He is extremely successful and in management. I never dreamed his work ethic was such that he would excessively use porn at his office during work hours. I was completely dumbfounded.
He expresses regret and tells me that he loves me and wants to change. He has installed filters, has given me complete access to his electronic devices, has seen various therapists, and swears to quitting porn and masturbation for the past year. I have tried very hard to establish boundaries although fail at following through with consequences if broken. We were intimate for the first time in almost eight months three evenings ago. I felt very connected and hopeful for the first time in months. My husband was caring and thoughtful. The good feelings were destroyed, yet again, when we went to a pharmacy drive through. I now drive as to avoid him being triggered by female clerks. We avoid any situation that he might fail as best we can. It’s quite limiting. When I was paying, the attractive clerk was laughing and I could see my husband looking my way. As I turned to him, he had an blank stare and was talking nonsense to me. This has been a technique of his in the past. I was so devastated and currently cannot see or talk to my husband about this as I begged him to be cautious after I trusted him with my heart yet again.
He has told me that yes, he became flustered at her voice but was trying to protect me and show interest in me even though he knows to look away. He has been successful at looking the opposite direction many times. I think he is just manipulating me this time since he had no reason to look at the back of my head to protect me. He sneakily looked at a teenage woman’s breast in front of me just three weeks ago, lied about it for a day, got angry and then eventually said he was sorry. I was very upset, mostly about the lie more than the action, but it was less painful as I had not been emotionally or physically intimate with him for months when it happened.
I do not know how to process his objectifying women any longer. I feel like the only way that he could not objectify other women is to be on a deserted island alone with me. I am at my wits end, hurt and crushed at the timing of his hurtful action. I wish I had kept the walls up around my heart and not shown any love to him. The loneliness and distance were better than this level of pain. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can live with this? I’m afraid he’ll never change since he’s 51 years old and has been using porn for 40 years. I thought that when he quit porn, it would get better and stop. It seems worse now. I’m starting to think he isn’t sober at all because of the objectifying. Am I wasting my time thinking he will ever be different.? Thank you again for the helpful guidance you provide in your blog.
Dear Sandy, I hear that you’re at your wits end, and that you’re feeling hurt and crushed because your husband struggles with objectification. Being in a situation where you feel like the only way he could not objectify other women would be to live on a deserted island sounds very painful.
I also hear that you would like to feel free of these triggers, and experience your husband as the caring and thoughtful person you described when the two of you were intimate recently.
I believe that there is hope for you and your marriage because your husband is working on his issues, and as you said, he is caring and thoughtful. Those are probably some of the reasons you married him in the first place.
Your question and your dilemma are too important and complex to resolve here. I would love to see you have more support to help you walk through how you might manage this situation so that you can feel more free and happy. Please consider joining my partner’s online community so we can support you and give you more individualized guidance. You can get the details and sign up here.
Take good care.
Thank you so much for your reply. I have realized that I’m not navigating things well on my own and outside help seems mandatory at this point. I am happy to hear that you think there is hope in my marriage. I also agree and understand that you cannot address or give adequate support in this fashion to such a complex problem. I look forward to being part of one of your online groups in search of a solution during this confusing and painful time of my life. I appreciate your time and direction. Thanks again.
You’re welcome! I am so glad to hear you are reaching out for the help and support you deserve.