Every betrayed partner knows that discovery, disclosure, and healing from chronic infidelity come at a cost.
The shock, pain, and devastation of betrayal are immense, and their impact reverberates in every area of a partner’s life — including her physical health, her trust in her reality or thoughts, her emotional stability, and her spiritual life.
In addition to the more obvious costs of betrayal, there are many that may be less apparent, but are equally significant.
Here are 4 invisible costs of betrayal:
Lost Productivity
When you are in the beginning stages of discovery or disclosure, you are profoundly disoriented and that is to be expected. Disorientation causes you to doubt your reality, and it short-circuits your ability to think clearly.
You may be chronically forgetful, or unable to focus on ordinary tasks or track with conversations. You may walk into a room with the intention to do something or to get something, but once there you can’t remember why.
As you try to make sense of your new reality, most of your thinking is laser-focused on trying to re-orient and integrate what you have discovered or learned, and you will have limited capacity for engaging in more complex problem-solving or higher level tasks or projects.
During this time, you may need to take a temporary break — if possible — from certain responsibilities, including work, taking care of an aging parent, or even parenting so that you can focus on the intensive self-care you need for your healing.
Loss of Creativity
Every person has at least one or two unique capabilities or strengths, and these are their creative gifts to the world. For most people, these gifts are what give their life meaning, and make life more worth living.
When you’re facing the discovery of chronic betrayal, most of your energy and time is understandably focused on healing, and your creative life is temporarily dormant. This loss of creativity not only impacts your quality of life, it also impacts others who benefit from your creative gifts.
Parenting
Any betrayed partner who has simultaneously needed to take care of young children and navigate betrayal knows that it can be almost impossible to do either of these with full attention and focus. You may be so preoccupied with the impact of betrayal and your healing that you are simply not able to attend to your children in the way you usually do.
If this is the case for you, find ways to get support from friends, family members, or babysitters. Mothers are notoriously reluctant to temporarily outsource childcare to others, but if doing so will speed up your healing process, it is more than worth the short-term discomfort — not only to you but also to your children.
Contribution to the World
Because every person — and every betrayed partner — has unique gifts to offer to the world, when she is engaged in the intensive self-care required to heal from betrayal, her contribution to the world is temporarily disrupted.
The cost of betrayal not only impacts you, but it has the potential to impact untold numbers of people you touch through you words, your actions, and simply your presence. Allow this realization to motivate you to treat yourself as your most prized possession, for your sake as well as for the benefit of others.
The good news is that in time and with good self-care and boundaries, you will not only reclaim these parts of yourself and your life, but you will also be stronger, wiser, and more resilient than before.
Be gentle with yourself, and take good care.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2019)
My husband feels like he needs no help. He can heal himself. He doesn’t go to any meetings, has no sponsor and doesn’t go to any counselor. He says he knows not to act out anymore and needs no one to tell him what to do. He says he is healed.I have promised not to leave him. How do l survive through this marriage and move on but still live with him? I don’t trust him at all. What should l do?
Brenda, this is a difficult situation, but you are not powerless. You can make requests, establish your own boundaries, or even change your mind about whether or not you are willing to remain in the marriage.
Navigating through all of these choices is extremely important, and deserves much more time and attention than can be offered here. I encourage you to work closely with a therapist, or if you want my feedback directly I invite you to join my online membership community or get on the waiting list to join my online coaching group.
Take good care.
One of the hidden costs that I feel very deeply is the loss of time. Time that I can never get back. I spent so many years feeling unwanted and rejected. My husband had no sexual interest in me but he had plenty of motivation to seek out porn and at one point watching strippers. I knew I was an attractive woman with a ‘good figure’ but his addiction destroyed the confidence I used to have. Now I’m older and I can’t believe how I came to develop low self esteem and a poor body image, and eventually an eating disorder, but I did. I feel I was denied the opportunity to age in an emotionally healthy way. I developed the hang ups and anxieties that are more appropriate for a teenager with no confidence, not a mature woman. I felt OK about my body when I was growing up because my mother bestowed me with healthy attitudes. These days I’m liking what I see in the mirror although I’m sad at the passing of time, not because I’m older but for all the years lost to low self esteem and the pain of my husband’s neglect and rejection. It’s like I’m grieving for the loss of time and opportunity, but also for the loss of that vital part of who I am. My husband was hooked on internet porn for 15 years and the worst of it was that I knew. I didn’t like it, I didn’t want it, but he kept doing it. I wonder why I couldn’t assert myself, and that’s another regret. I lost my confidence, and my pride.
Now I feel that I’m carrying this burden of sadness with me all the time, because I knew it could have been different. I could have felt OK just to be me, but when you’re married to someone who was looking at bodies to objectify and fantasise about and masturbate to, and never showed any interest in relational sex — and I mean no sex at all for years — that’s like a big weight of shame I carry. The untouchable. The sexual leper. I know I shouldn’t feel this way but I do. So much that should have come with maturity, through two people growing older together was missing. I/we didn’t go through those stages. It’s probably my biggest obstacle to recovery.
Anna, thank you so much for sharing how betrayal has impacted you. Your words are powerful, authentic, and poignant. I am sure that every single betrayed partner who reads them will relate.
One of the most challenging tasks of a partner’s journey is to guard herself from perceiving another person’s choices and behaviors as a reflection of her worth, and staying fiercely committed to cultivating her own peace and joy in the midst of heartache and sadness. You are worthy of love and healthy touch, and my hope for you is that you find ways to receive both from yourself and safe people in your life. The time you have to redeem is now.
Take good care.
I have been struggling for 2 years with the after effects of my husband having an affair. The cost of betrayal is tremendous. I have done recovery, but husband wasn’t willing to do recovery work. He did some things that were his idea and in his comfort zone that seemed like baby steps to me. He did make some progress , but it was far from where it should have been.
Then a horrible shock a couple of weeks ago….. he died… unexpectedly. My mind and body are back in extreme trauma mode and I am reeling from the effects on top of the betrayal trauma. So many questions….. He couldn’t handle my needing to talk about the recovery and my feelings. So, now I am feeling guilty because I couldn’t seem to just “let it go “, like he said I should. It caused him a lot of stress and so I think, “did I bring him to a heart attack from the stress”? I wonder if he died loving me? I wonder if he just couldn’t handle things any more and just gave up? I wanted to ‘let it go” and I really tried, but the pain just wouldn’t go away. I just couldn’t seem to recover when he wasn’t doing recovery work. Now I wish I could have him back with me and try harder….. I’m not in a good place and I can’t even ask him how he feels. This is beyond horrible. I don’t know if I can heal now , where I cant even talk to him . I felt he was maybe on the verge of going to counseling and had talked to him recently about it. He hadn’t committed , but wasn’t as resistant. Now, its all too late…..
Hi True, I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the shock you must be feeling. You need support as you go through what will surely be a complicated grieving process. If you don’t already have one, I highly recommend finding a therapist to work with. To find a therapist with experience working with betrayal trauma, please go to http://www.iitap.com or http://www.apsats.org.
Take good care.
The cost of betrayal is, in my experience, HUGE for families and therefore society. I was groomed by my “soul mate” and agreed to what ended up being a very difficult second marriage. I was completely unaware that my step children were being raised by an addict, and aware that their mother had a lot of mental & physical health problems. Neither parent was available to teach emotional regulation, healthy communication, etc. I am an educator who loves children, and was blind-sided by negative responses to my efforts at setting healthy expectations within the walls of “my” home. My husband rarely parented his children, and often it was at my suggestion or request. The bottom line is that he was physically present in our lives the majority of the time, toxic about his version of perfection when mentally present, and I can honestly say never emotionally present or connected. He betrayed our kids, and I feel that I have too because I simply couldn’t do it all, bear the weight of his criticism, lack of respect and love, AND stay completely connected to my own two children. I suffered “situational depression” according to our fifth therapist within a decade. Betrayal is expensive to heal for everyone close to it. Betrayal begets neglect. It breaks my heart! I didn’t understand what was happening, and now that I do it’s over. I’ve not been chosen over narcissistic pride, and am being resented for taking actions that keep me safe. I wish I had understood what was going on when my kids were young. I missed things to please someone who only loves himself. Our kids suffered, and now grandkids too. Betrayal destroys healthy family bonding for everyone. I’ve asked for an equitable and amicable divorce. It’s starting out well…hope it ends well also! Betrayal was a black hole in my universe that I’m working hard to overcome.
Well said, Lee.
I am so glad to hear you are working to emerge from the black hole of betrayal. You deserve healing. Thanks for adding to the conversation.
Lee I can totally empathize, I’m there for the 3rd time. I just read a book called Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist, I think the author is Debra Mirza. It really helped me understand what happened and how the covert narcissist operates. There’s even a chapter on divorcing the narcissist. For me it’s been difficult. We have a teen daughter and she’s being covertly spousified, some therapist call it covert incest. The deceptions have not stopped on every level. I tried to navigate amicable without a lawyer, as the Author corroborates its very difficult. His financial deceptions go as deep and far back as the sexual addictions. Highly recommend the book. And Vicki’s boundaries beyond betrayal. Negotiating with a narcissist is crazy making and an emotional rollercoaster, especially if you’re also trying to protect you children.