Are you and the addict in your life having regular recovery check-ins? I hope so.
Recovery check-ins are a vital component of the repair and trust-building process in relationships impacted by sex addiction.
If you’ve asked for check-ins in the past and the addict said some version of, “it feels like you’re my mother (or the principal) and I have to answer to you,” he’s made himself a victim of his own distorted thinking.
The truth is, recovery check-ins are an opportunity for:
- You to get the information you want and deserve.
- The two of you to connect as a couple.
- The addict to be accountable.
- The addict to repair the extensive damage done by addiction.
Partners often want regular recovery check-ins but don’t request them. Some partners want too much information from the addict about middle circle behaviors, or detailed accounts about his thoughts or fantasies. Neither of these extremes is healthy for you or your relationship. (By the way, if you’re wondering whether you ask for too little or too much, read my post about it here.)
Below are the suggested recovery check-in items I recommend for sex addicts and their partners, along with five “dos and don’ts” for the recovery check-in process.
Except for sobriety date, addict and partner may both check in regarding the following:
- Sobriety date from inner circle behaviors (this should be the first item on any couples’ recovery check-in)
- Feelings/How I’m feeling now (anger, pain, guilt, love, joy, shame, fear, passion)
- Recovery activities since last check in (12-step meetings, group therapy, individual and/or couples’ therapy, reading, homework, step-work)
- Optional:
Triggers addict experienced and tools used to deal with triggers. For example, “This week I was triggered several times and when that happened, I said the serenity prayer/called a program person, sponsor/redirected my attention (or whatever tool was used).” Emphasis is on tools used rather than details of triggers. For example, if addict was triggered by a particular person the focus is on the tools used to deal with the trigger rather than what the person looked like, what they were wearing, etc. Addict may rate the intensity of the trigger on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest.
Couples Check-in (optional – each person answers the following):
- What you (your partner) did that helped the relationship.
- What I did that harmed the relationship.
- Express an appreciation for the other person.
5 Check-in Dos & Don’ts
- Addict should take responsibility to initiate check-ins.
- DO make sobriety date the first item on any recovery check-in. Partners are often anxious waiting to hear this information.
- DO schedule regular check-ins; for example, every Sunday night or every Wednesday morning. Check-ins should occur at least once a week.
- DON’T share middle circle behaviors (specifically objectification, euphoric recall, fantasy, etc.) unless the incident feels like a secret to the addict, or has significantly impacted the addict’s recovery or the couples connection.
- DO (for the partner) listen to the check-in without interrupting and thank the addict when complete.
If you’re not having regular recovery check-ins with the addict in your life, I encourage you to make a request. If the addict agrees, make the agreement clear and specific, including the day of the week and time.
If you are having regular check-ins, how are they going? Share your experience, or any questions in the comments section below.
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2015)
p.s. If you’d like a copy of my Suggested Recovery Check-In Items for Sex Addicts & Partners handout, download one here.
All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity.
The addict checks in nightly. He requested this. He went to a meeting on a Thursday night. Checked in that night, Friday night and Saturday night. ( a couple years ago we had a conversation about women at the meeting. I had strong feelings against it and what I read most therapist didn’t like it either. After 3 nights of check ins I accidently discover there was a Women at the Thursday night meeting. We had also discusted lying by omission. He lied. This is our third year of this crap and he still acts like he is 10. Will he ever grow up?
Carol, I hear your anger, pain, and disappointment. Rigorous honesty is a slow, painful process, as you well know.
It sounds like it’s time for boundary work—the kind that protects you from repeated broken agreements and boundary violations. Much too complex to explain here on the blog, but that is where I recommend you focus your work. Channel your anger into the best self-care and boundary work you can possibly do. I promise it will get better if you do, even if the other person never changes.
Here’s an article I wrote about it: When Boundaries are Broken.
I am reading your book. Thank you for such great info. I am new at setting boundaries and I am afraid he isn’t going to like any of them and tell me to get out. We are not married , but we are engaged. He keeps having relapses and he won’t be honest with me even though he has been told by his medical team to be honest with me. I have done check-ins yet he still lies to me and I find out later he has lied. His new counselor isn’t a Certified Sexual Addiction Counselor but does work with Addictions. He goes to the 12 steps but I dont see anything being applied so far. I am frustrated completely. I left for two weeks for a time out and even though I support him and his treatments, he still lies to me.
Hi Lynn, thanks for the feedback about Moving Beyond Betrayal. I’m glad you’re reading it and I know it will help you not only in your current relationship, but with boundaries and self-care in all areas of your life.
You express the frustration and pain so many betrayed partners feel after discovery. If you don’t have support for yourself, I highly recommend that you do so that you can connect with other partners and get expert guidance about your situation.
If you’d like to work with me, you can join my partner’s online community here. Six and 12 month memberships are available. To find a therapist who has experience working with betrayed partners, go to http://www.iitap.com or http://www.apsats.org.
Take good care.
My husband has been in recovery for 2 1/2 years and we have been doing your weekly check-in. We are faithful about the same time and day each week and have been very consistent. Today my husband was saying he does not get much out of it anymore. He has been sober the entire time, goes to 3 meeting s a week, has a sponsor, has two Sponsee’s and make fellowship calls and receives them daily.
I attend S-ANON have a sponsor and 4 Sponsee’s. And attend two meetings weekly.
What do couples in our situation do at this point as far as checking in. What other options are there?
Thanks so much.
Do couples a few years into recovery need to do the weekly Check-in.
Hi Michele, congratulations on all of the healing work you have done in S-Anon and in your relationship!
I hear that your husband said he’s not getting much out of the weekly check in anymore. I am wondering about you? How do you feel and what do you think about the check ins? Every partner and every couple have different needs, and I always like to start with what you want, and then go from there. Would that fit for you?
My husband asked me to get suggestions from my S-ANON group in addition to emailing you. He knows the Check-in is for me and wanted me to feel comfortable. From that I made a list of my top three things I needed that make me feel emotionally safe and also easy to manage on a daily basis. Basically communicating in “real time” about any issues/annoyances/ triggers that come up that day and talk about it right away. Being more vulnerable about sharing true feelings etc. He was in total agreement and said he was happy to try. I initially liked the check in because I had days to think how I wanted to approach a situation, but now I’m eager to resolve it when it happens. If I had 4 days till the check in I would ruminate over issues and waste time overthinking it instead of dealing with it right way.
It always feels so good when we are on the same page.
Thank you for your response. I love your blog and rely on it for so many reasons.