One of my favorite definitions of intimacy comes from the work of Pia Mellody. Pia defines intimacy as:
The experience of knowing—and being known by—another person.
We can know another person in many ways—intellectually, emotionally, physically, sexually, and spiritually. And intimacy can be experienced on each of these levels.
Our boundaries determine how close we let others get to us—and how close we get to others—in each of these dimensions. For example, when a person’s boundaries are relatively healthy, they don’t seek physical or sexual intimacy with a stranger or someone they’ve just met for the first time.
In long-term committed relationships, intimacy ebbs and flows. Couples go through periods of very close physical, emotional, or sexual intimacy followed by times of less intimacy in one or more of these areas. Geographical separation, illness, parenting, health challenges, work or school commitments, and many other factors impact the level of intimacy a couple has at any given time.
In relationships impacted by chronic sexual betrayal or sex addiction, when the addict has a “slip” or a relapse, the couples’ intimacy usually suffers. A slip is a one-time breach of a sex addict’s recovery plan or Three Circle Plan.
(If you’re not familiar with recovery slips and relapses, see Chapter 2 of my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal: The 5-Step Boundary Solution for Partners of Sex Addicts, or use the search box on the home page of my blog here to search for any articles about recovery slips.)
It’s important to keep in mind that the revelation of a slip is not only new, painful information, it is also a reminder of a prior trauma—the original discovery or disclosure of sexual betrayal. Sadly—for both the partner and addict—slips and relapses are not uncommon, and not just in sex addiction recovery.
Five ways recovery slips impact intimacy:
1
Depending on the how the slip was discovered or shared with the partner, the partner may become highly triggered. She may protectively withdraw emotionally, physically, and sexually.
If the slip was discovered by the partner—rather than disclosed by the addict—the partner’s instinct for protection will be much greater. This is one of the reasons it is strongly advised that addicts disclose slips as soon as possible—typically within 24 to 48 hours after the slip occurs.
2
Although slips and relapses aren’t due to any fault or deficiency of the partner, partners often feel wounded on a deeply personal level that impacts their self-esteem. When your partner chooses to be sexual with others, or with images of others, you may feel less-than or inferior, and you may instinctively pull back to protect yourself from further pain.
Repeated slips damage a partner’s esteem because she will often tell herself that she was “stupid” or inferior for staying, or for tolerating ongoing disappointment.
3
Some partners respond to slips by seeking reassurance from the addict that she is enough and that she matters to him. If the slip is disclosed quickly—with a high degree of accountability and minimal defensiveness—a slip can become an opportunity for deeper intimacy and trust, especially if the addict is able to reassure his partner in a way that is meaningful to her.
4
If there are repeated slips, partners may live in a near-constant state of hyper-vigilance, waiting for the next disclosure. In this heightened state, it will be difficult for her to let down her guard with the addict. She may struggle to engage authentically in simple, casual conversations or in activities as a couple that she once enjoyed for fear of being “duped” again.
5
If slips become routine, they erode a partner’s hope and optimism about the future. Over time, you may become so disconnected from the addict that the two of you live together more as roommates and less like romantic partners.
Addicts, here are 4 ways you can minimize the painful impact of slips:
- Immediately after a slip, contact your sponsor, an accountability partner, therapist, or recovery coach to process what happened and create a plan to tell your partner. The reason it’s important for addicts to get outside support before sharing a slip with their partner is to minimize any additional and unnecessary pain created by sharing the information in a way that is not helpful to your partner.
- Commit to your partner that you will tell her within 24-48 hours if you have a slip. Don’t wait until a weekly recovery check-in to disclose a slip unless your partner has specifically requested you do so.
- After you have shared a slip, do whatever you need to do to avoid becoming defensive, rationalizing, or minimizing your behavior. These kinds of reactions will only prolong the pain and give your partner the impression that you are avoiding accountability, or that you aren’t remorseful.
- Share with your partner what you plan to do to re-commit to your recovery.
- After your partner has had an opportunity to respond to what you’ve shared, ask her if there is anything she would like from you to repair the breach in trust. For more information about trust-building and repair read my article Beginning Anew and Rebuilding Trust.
Are you a clinician, counselor, or coach working with partners of sex addicts? My Moving Beyond Betrayal Clinicians & Coaches Online Course starts in Spring 2018. For more information, visit here.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)
All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity. Submitted comments containing profanity, offensive language, or otherwise objectionable material will not be published.
Hi. I’ve read your book and appreciate it very much. From what I read everywhere it seems a “slip” at some point in an addicts recovery is inevitable…. in my relationship I feel that is completely unacceptable. My husband agrees it is unacceptable and so does his therapist.
Do you think that is unrealistic for us to believe he could make it through with no slip up?
Hi Michelle, it is perfectly fine to believe that slips are completely unacceptable.
The reality is that the majority of people who struggle with addictions of all kinds do not achieve flawless, no-slip sobriety when they first enter recovery or attempt to abstain from their addictive behavior. Most addicts make several — often many — attempts to achieve long-term sobriety before they are successful. Even those who achieve 10 or 20 years of sobriety say that they continue to engage in recovery activities because they know their sobriety is not guaranteed because they made a decision to be sober, and that it must be guarded vigilantly.
Thank you so much for your quick reply.
Yes, he has vowed to a lifetime recovery at this point. Only 6 months in though. My fear of a slip up and how detrimental it would be to me. To us. Is so scary to me.
I am a recovering sex addict. I found myself possibly in my middle circle a couple of times before realizing that the activity was a candidate to include in my middle circle for future purposes. I discontinued the activity and though about it, consulting my sponsor, and we agreed it should go into my middle circle as it could become a substitute addictive behavior. We both agreed it was nowhere near an inner circle activity relative to my SA sobriety. I have not revisited the activity since then. I considered disclosing the activity during my weekly check-in with my wife and decided that there was not a need to disclose as I was confident it would be hurtful and it was not clearly in my middle circle as it was not sexual; I.e. no nudity of extremely revealing apparel. It was not triggering nor did it promote any intrusive thoughts.
The problem, my wife discovered the activity later and is very hurt that I didn’t disclose the activity and check it in. Now she is questioning the validity of my definitions of abstinence. FYI, she reviewed and added to the definitions 2 years ago to ensure I was respecting her boundaries. What do we do now?
Hi Ron, great question!
It all comes down to agreements. If you had an agreement with your wife that you would share the behavior, then you would need to share it. On the other hand, if there is no agreement that you would share engaging in this behavior then you did not violate an agreement or boundary.
Remember, another person’s “boundary” that requires you to engage or abstain from a behavior is not your boundary unless there is agreement between the two of you. This is different than a non-negotiable boundary where a person has the right to decide what they will do should a certain behavior/event occur.
There is a more complex question here about a betrayed partner’s definition of abstinence v. the addict’s definition. In general, an abstinence plan is determined by the addict’s therapist and sponsor. A betrayed partner may request that a certain behavior be included, but it is ultimately not her/his decision whether it becomes part of the abstinence plan. For example, I do not support items related solely to thoughts or fantasies ever be included in the inner circle; however, I have worked with a number of partners who had strong feelings that these must be included.
Hi Vicki. Can I ask why you would not include thoughts and fantasy into that? I’m the betrayed partner and fantasy was one of our biggest problems driving a wedge between us. Fantasy is a really big deal to me. I realize maybe not for everyone but why wouldn’t you include it in the inner circle?
Hi Michelle, I wrote an article about this very topic. You can read it here: Sharing Thoughts & Fantasies