If you want to learn how to practice great self-care through using effective boundaries, you’ll need to understand the difference between requests, demands, and ultimatums.
Let’s start with the formal, dictionary definitions:
Request
an act of asking politely or formally for something
Demand
a forceful statement in which you say that something must be done or given to you
Ultimatum
a final demand or statement of terms, the rejection of which will result in retaliation or a breakdown in relations
The difference between requests, demands, and ultimatums aren’t well understood—even by people who have some awareness of good communication and boundaries.
In effective and relational boundary work, there is no place for demands or ultimatums.
You’re probably thinking, “but aren’t there exceptions for outrageous behaviors like sexual infidelity?” The short answer is no. Even in relationships that have been devastated by sexual betrayal, ultimatums and demands don’t work.
A demand sounds like, “you will/won’t __________.” No one can tell another person what they will or will not do. Ultimatums are threats made in the form of a demand. If the demand isn’t met, the consequence is frequently the end of a relationship.
A boundary expresses what one will and will not accept in a relationship, and clearly states how the person setting the boundary will practice self-care if the boundary is violated.
Boundaries are not demands, ultimatums, or punishments.
Unfaithful spouses often say that their partner gave them an ultimatum when in reality the partner expressed a boundary. It’s important to understand the difference. Below is an example of a boundary set by a betrayed partner:
My expectation is that you will honor our agreement to be sexually faithful. If you have sex with a prostitute again I will leave the relationship.
This is an example of a “non-negotiable” boundary. Non-negotiables are relationship deal-breakers.
Non-negotiables are often interpreted as ultimatums. And, in fact, if the betrayed partner’s sole intention is to control or get a reaction from her spouse, then it’s a threat rather than a boundary.
This boundary doesn’t tell her spouse what to do. The betrayed partner isn’t making a demand. She’s letting him know that if he chooses to have sex with a prostitute, she will leave the relationship. This is a clear and relational statement of a boundary.
He may call this an ultimatum and say she’s being unreasonable. This is distorted, victim thinking. She has a right to set boundaries and he has a right to choose his actions. She is simply letting him know that if he makes a particular choice, this is what she will do for her own self-care.
Out of anger, fear, or attempts to control, betrayed partners sometimes make demands rather than requests. They also may set non-negotiable boundaries that they later decide are unrealistic or too severe.
When you’re in pain and your life feels out of control, issuing a demand can temporarily substitute for a feeling of power.
For example:
- You will go to 12-step meetings
- You will take a polygraph
- You will not contact any affair partners
While all the expectations above are reasonable, when stated as demands they’re not relational. Why? We can’t tell another adult what to do—we can only request. Demands are an expression of the kind of “power over” I discuss in my article on power, rather than authentic personal power.
You can request that your spouse attend 12-step meetings, take a polygraph or not contact an affair partner. Your sex addict partner can answer with yes, no, or maybe. If your request isn’t honored, he will be giving you more information about his level of commitment to healing, recovery, and the relationship. You will also have to decide what his choice means to you and what you need to do to take care of yourself.
Making requests takes courage and vulnerability.
What if you make a request and the answer is no? That is always the risk of asking for what you want. But ultimately, asking for what you want is the surest and quickest route to finding out if you’re in a relationship that has potential for healing and growth or one that won’t be healthy or fulfilling for you in the long run.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2015)
Response to comment deleted by author:
Hi F, you’re right—the distinction between an ultimatum and a non-negotiable boundary can sometimes be a fine one.
To clarify, I’m including here an excerpt from my book Moving Beyond Betrayal which should help (starting at bottom of page 110):
“. . .’I need you to honor our agreement to be sexually faithful to me. If you have sex with another person again, I will leave the relationship.’
A non-negotiable boundary can sound very much like an ultimatum. In fact, the boundary above might be an ultimatum if the partner’s sole intention is to influence the sex addict’s behavior by threatening to leave. If this is the partner’s only intention in stating the boundary, she probably won’t follow through. On the other hand, if the partner’s intention is to let the addict know what she will do if the boundary is broken, then the above statement is a non-negotiable relationship boundary.
An ultimatum is an attempt to control
another person’s behavior.
A boundary is an expression of how you
plan to act or take care of yourself.
The sex addict may interpret this boundary—’If you have sex with another person again I will leave the relationship’—as an ultimatum. However, the partner isn’t telling the sex addict what to do. She is not making a demand or a request. She’s letting him know that if he chooses to have sex with someone else in the future, she will leave the relationship. This is a clear and relational statement of a boundary. The sex addict may believe this non-negotiable boundary is unreasonable. This is distorted, victim thinking. She has a right to set boundaries and he has a right to choose his actions.”
Please address the issue of leaving a spouse who has mental illness. My SA estranged husband (“sober” for 31 yrs, married to me for 28) had used Adderall the last 20 yrs during which his acting out got progressively more risky. He went to The Ranch in May and they changed him to Stratera. Now he says that the person who acted out was not him. He suffers from Bipolar, ADHD, Depression. Now that I’m divorcing I feel guilty. He needs therapy but hasn’t “found” the right person. Finances are a nightmare. He lies without seemingly malicious intent. Has no sense of boundaries of self and others. I need to divorce for my sanity, but he’s so pitiful!! Our marriage is clearly broken, devoid of trust. I’m doing my work, everyone (priest, therapist, my sponsor, close AA friends) tells me that divorce is the right decision, but I’m reluctant… what’s holding me back? Is he manipulating me AGAIN?!? Help!
Hi Sandra, it sounds to me as though the issue is less about your husband’s mental illness and more about your struggle to maintain your own reality. I read you loud and clear: “I need to divorce for my sanity . . . ” If this is your true reality, I would recommend working more with your therapist around your struggles with owning your reality, self-care and boundaries.
All best to you.
Hello Vicki,
I’m loving your podcast.
I have a question about requests. My friend once made a request of me that I perceived as rude: “Can I have your bottle of wine.”
I responded that it wasn’t socially acceptable for her to ask, but she was very hurt by my answer.
I know that it’s ok to refuse a request, but should we always suspend judgement on the appropriateness or politeness of the request? Should I simply have said, “no, I’m not able to do that for you,” instead of incorporating my annoyance into the response?
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office until April 15 and will reply after she returns.
Hi Katie, as I often say, “You can ask anyone for anything,” and the person receiving the request can reply with yes, no, or negotiate an alternative agreement.
You are entitled to your perception about her request, but it is only a perception, and not the Truth.
Hope this helps.
I don’t see that her request for your bottle as necessarily socially unacceptable, though you didn’t clarify the context (were you enjoying it? Was it your bottle on a shelf and she just asked for your property?) If a friend of mine asked, I’d probably say yes, or maybe no, but I wouldn’t be offended.
As Vicki says, it’s your perception, not a FACT. And your opinion or perception is fine, but it’s your own values, not necessarily universally held. Maybe not even majority, though I have no idea.
Hi Vicki,
I’ve read your book and just starting to gain more information about recovery.
We agree we need therapy, but my husband is being very nice and loving, however he doesn’t understand why I need full disclosure. I want to request that with polygraph, but don’t know how to. Please help!
Hi Susan, the short answer is that he doesn’t need to understand why you need full disclosure! You have a right to ask, and he has a right to answer yes, no, or to negotiate an alternative agreement with you.
If you don’t already, I encourage you to get connected with a therapist for your individual work, and a community of support to help you navigate this difficult, and painful, time. Take good care.
What if your husband initially agrees to requests, such as attend both couples and individual counseling, take a polygraph, and find a different job since he had multiple affairs over 13 years and one of those individuals is a direct report, only to back out of all of them and say take it or leave it. Yet he still claims he loves me and wants to stay married. I feel like a non existent person in this relationship with my needs and requests going unmet for so many years, and even now after he did so much damage. He still acts like the relationship should be completely on his terms.
Hi Feel like giving up, this is a boundary issue because your husband made an agreement and then broke it.
If you don’t already have one, please get a copy of my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, and download the free 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier here. The book and the Clarifier will help you take care of you, and determine your next steps. You have more power than you realize.
If you’d like to work directly with me to get questions answered in more detail, I invite you to join my online community. You can get all the details and join on line here.
Don’t give up. You are more than worth it.💗