[This article is the fourth in a 7-part series on the Six Intimacy Skills™️ by Laura Doyle. Read the first article here.]
Relinquishing inappropriate control is the third of the Six Intimacy Skills (SIS), and is one of the most difficult of the SIS to practice.
Relinquishing control requires the consistent ability to refrain from habitual, ingrained and often unconscious communication patterns, as well as confronting the fear that often fuels attempts to control. Relinquishing control is vital to creating and maintaining a peaceful, respectful, and intimate relationship.
To relinquish means to:
voluntarily cease to keep or claim; give up.
And control is:
the power to influence or direct people’s behavior or the course of events.
Why is relinquishing control vital to creating intimacy?
When we attempt to control what another adult thinks, says, or does, we have left our circle of control and entered into the other person’s circle, under the mistaken assumption that we have power over things we have no power over.
In control-mode, we send the message that the other person doesn’t have a right to their own thoughts, emotions, or actions.
Control assumes we know what is best and right for the other person. Imagine how you might feel if someone you loved sent you the message — directly or indirectly — that they knew what was right for you and you should do what they wanted you to do? Ouch!
Here’s a short list of hidden ways women sometimes attempt to control their spouse or boyfriend:
- Telling him how you would do something or how another person did it, as a way to “show” him or tell him what he should do
- Offering help when it hasn’t been requested
- Jumping to the rescue when your partner appears frustrated or is complaining
- Leaving a book or other material in a strategic location hoping he will see or read it
- Correcting him when he is doing something the “wrong” way, including telling him how to drive or giving him directions when he didn’t ask for help navigating
- Telling him about a great video, podcast, or book you read in the hopes that he will listen to it or read it
- Facial expressions, body language, or other non-verbal communication that sends a message of disapproval
- Telling him what another woman’s husband did as a way to “teach” him what to do
- Telling him what he will or won’t do, rather than making requests or expressing a desire
You might think, “I’m just trying to be helpful,” but if you’re honest with yourself you will likely have to acknowledge that there are some strong desires attached to your “help.” The receiver of help disguised as control often senses the control seeping (or flooding!) through, which creates more disconnection.
There are a number of harmful consequences of attempting to control another person:
First, it is simply disrespectful to send a message to another person that you know better than they do what choices are right for them.
Second, because control is inherently disrespectful, it is also damaging to connection and intimacy.
Third, as difficult as it is to accept, none of us knows what is best for another person.
Even when you see a person headed down a path of self-destruction, you cannot know if that is the wrong path for them. The sad truth is that the “wrong path” may actually be the exact right path for them to experience the consequences required to make better choices in the future. Every person has a right to make mistakes and to be wrong.
Fourth, attempting to control another person almost always has the unintended consequence of driving a wedge between the controll-er and the controll-ee.
It’s no fun to be with someone who is controlling. When we feel unaccepted, a natural human response is to want to protect (hide) ourselves from the person trying to control us so that we can avoid the painful feelings of disapproval or rejection. And while lying and deception are always the responsibility of the person who is lying or deceiving, this intimacy-destroying behavior is often fueled by a desire to avoid another person’s controlling behavior.
Does this mean we should accept another person’s behavior even when it’s painful or damaging? Absolutely not! But control is not the best means to protect yourself.
Control sometimes offers short-term wins, but it never provides a long-term solution or intimacy.
Taking care of yourself in the face of painful behavior on the part of a loved one is best accomplished through your dedicated practice of self-care and creating limits, usually in the form of making requests, expressing desires, and creating boundaries.
Difficulty with relinquishing control means you are struggling with fear: fear that you will be disappointed, fear of losing control, fear of being rejected, or fear of losing a relationship.
Relinquishing control takes a tremendous amount of effort, and when you begin the intimacy-building practice of relinquishing control you may find that you don’t have much to say!
When I first began making a serious effort at relinquishing control, the first thing I noticed was how often I was tempted to exert control, usually in subtle, indirect ways. I also noticed that I was much more controlling than I realized. And while it was difficult at first, it has now become more second nature and has offered many unexpected gifts, including a more relaxed atmosphere in my marriage and more accountability from my partner.
One of the gifts of relinquishing control is that it opens a space for your partner to demonstrate greater responsibility and accountability.
Relinquishing control also frees up your time so that you can focus on taking care of you through better self-care, identifying and expressing your desires, and engaging in pursuits and activities that light you up and bring you joy.
All control is based in fear.
—Laura Doyle
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2019)
Hi Vicki, Next month will be the beginning of his FTD, followed by my impact letter and then his restitution.
I’m working with an APSATS coach and we have sent all materials for the disclosure along with “my questions” for him to answer.
I’ll be working on my boundaries but I keep mindfully coming to my impact letter and can’t find enough information on preparing it. I have Staci Sprout’s article, and info from Dan Drake’s book but I wish there were samples of letters from other partners. The same for boundaries. Yes, I do have your boundary kindle book. Do you know if there are any samples from partners and where I could access them? I’ve been away from him for a year now, out of town and find my boundaries tricky ie: leave the room etc or even sleep in another room when before I left we were in separate rooms.
I was part of a group in the city I moved from but the city I live in now doesn’t have any. I joined a Facebook group but stopped using Facebook.
I love your articles and thank-you.
Hi Carol, great question! I am not aware of any samples of impact letters or boundaries lists available for public distribution.
I hope your Formal Therapeutic Disclosure next month gives you a foundation from which to heal and restore your marriage, if that is your wish.
Thank you for this blog. I am working in trying to relinquish control only in a 24 hour period. One day at a time. Thanks for the message.
You’re welcome JayMarie, yes, it can sometimes be a minute-by-minute practice! I admire your courage to let go of people and situations over which you have no control.
Take good care.
I am trying, trying to get this. I have really struggled over the past 2 weeks to let go of controlling my husbands recovery. I have kept my mouth shut, but have spent a lot of mental energy on “his problem and why doesnt he do anything about it” The paragraph about taking care of self with self care, boundaries and requests is most helpful to me.
I think I will make a list of ways that I have attempted to control my husband in the past and ways that I still have a desire to, then give myself points for refraining from saying anything. ie. which clothes to wear, how to eat more healthily, offering suggestions to deal with problems at his work.
Sue, I admire your vulnerability and courage to look at the ways in which you have attempted to control your husband. It’s a hard habit to break! Just this morning I ventured outside my circle of control and decided to tell my husband my opinion about one of his eating habits. Today, this is a control “slip” in my book, and I get to apologize later today for criticizing his choices, which are 100% his to make.
One of the reasons I have become such a believer in the Six Intimacy Skills™️ is that they not only provide a roadmap for being your best self, they also create the kind of emotional safety in relationships that fosters more connection and intimacy.
You’re on the right path, keep going!
Vicki, Thank you for discussing this issue of control. I can relate to all your examples. I guess it is no mistake that recognizing that I don’t have control is part of the first step of every 12 step program.
I often try to fix things, and jump in with suggestions at work, at home with my children, and my husband. Sometimes even with strangers, I am so “helpful”. I am learning to take a step back before I speak or act with my husband and with others.
Giving up control has been hard work for me, but when I do, I find I am more peaceful and my husband shows up more when I treat him like a capable man and let him do his part.
You’re welcome el Bee! That is so courageous of you to begin stepping back and giving up control. And I love that you are noticing you are more peaceful and your husband is showing up more when you treat him like the capable man he is. That is exactly what I have experienced!
I started reading The Empowered Wife and have very mixed emotions about this book. While I do agree that some of these strategies can be helpful, in a marriage or any relationship, it all seems a bit 50’s to me. However, I absolutely have to ask why you would recommend a book that a wife could be the actual reason that a husband watches porn and masturbates is unbelievable and disappointing. She also discounts the value of boundaries. What’s up Vicki?
Wow Tina, what’s up!?
I hear you on the 50s vibe. At the same time, my experience of studying and practicing the Six Intimacy Skills (SIS) is that they are far more empowering and radical than they appear on the surface.
I am passionate about the SIS of self-care, respect, letting go of control, receiving, vulnerability, and gratitude but I’m not interested in debating or defending Doyle’s style or views on a spouse’s solo sexual activities.
In case you missed it, I mentioned Doyle’s views about pornography and masturbation in my first article on the SIS. If you have a direct quote of her saying “a wife could be the actual reason that a husband watches porn and masturbates” please let me know. I’ve read every book Doyle has written and don’t find that, although she does say that disrespectful and controlling behavior have an impact on a couples’ sex life, which most people would agree is absolutely the case!
I would love for you to focus on the skills and not on the 50s vibe or Doyle’s views about a spouse’s solo sexual activities. Take what you like and leave the rest.
I get what you are saying about control and agree with most of it. I just don’t understand how to create the change in our marriage and the damage they caused without us sharing with them the things we are learning, videos, books etc. Most men aren’t reading a lot of material like recovery books and so they don’t seem to know where to look or how to go about recovery work. How do we share information without coming across as controlling? I know my husband hasn’t read any recovery material on his own, and so it’s very frustrating . He just hasn’t wanted to deal with any of it and doesn’t even want to talk about it. I’ve done a lot of reading and discovered some really great things that I want to share with him that I think will help our marriage. So, how do I go about sharing ?
Hi Mary, I can completely understand how frustrating (and frightening) it is for your husband not to want to deal with recovery or talk about it, and I hear that you want to share with him videos, books, etc. that have been helpful to you.
As a “control enthusiast” myself, I used to send my husband information about nutrition or other topics that I thought he “should” read or know more about. I told myself I was being helpful and showing my care and concern for his health. In retrospect, I see that I was trying to control his choices, which often comes across to the person on the receiving end of the “help” as disrespectful. I can assure you that sharing “helpful” information never got me more connection or intimacy. In fact, I often got no response at all! Imagine if you struggled with your weight and your spouse sent you articles about dieting and exercise. Ouch!
What I have found is that when I stop attempting to change or control his choices and behavior, not only do I feel better, our relationship is more connected. One of the interesting by-products of relinquishing control is that it has an uncanny way of creating the space that often results in the person taking action that would have never happened through control or criticism.
There is so much more to learn about the Six Intimacy Skills, including how to express your desires, which is a much more powerful skill than offering “helpful” suggestions or even making requests. I hope you will read The Empowered Wife so that you can learn more about them.
For now, how would it fit for you to focus on your self-care and experimenting with relinquishing control over how much recovery material your husband is reading by not sharing or offering “helpful” information to him for just the next week?
Hi Vicki, I have a strange case for you. My husband has some kind of learning disability. I’m not exactly sure what it is, but the last two therapists have speculated that he is “on the continuum.” I used to think he was just being belligerent, until our daughter was born – she is just like him. He can almost literally only do one thing at a time. He can’t make appointments to see two different doctors to address coexisting health issues….. he makes an appointment to see one specialist, and when that treatment is complete, then he can turn his attention to addressing the other issue with another specialist. He has a pretty strict routine that he sticks to no matter what, and if a wrench gets thrown in the works, he is completely out of sorts – confused and frustrated. He also has “no filter,” and one therapist we saw said there was definitely a “processing issue,” whatever that means. What this all boils down to is that he relies on me to help him with certain things – like scheduling multiple doctor appointments, or arranging to replace the garage door at the same time as hiring someone to help remodel a room in our house. It is compounding my ability to relinquish control when he’s asking for help. So, when is it control and when is it helping? Is the difference in waiting to be asked for help and not just volunteering it? Or is it control only when you’re invested in the outcome? Why is nothing ever easy?? Sheesh!
Thanks for any insight you might have!
Hi Rae, I can completely understand the confusion around volunteering to help, being asked for help, and knowing how/when to relinquish control.
Feeling invested in a certain outcome is one of the most powerful “triggers” for veering into control, but it is possible to practice relinquishing control while being invested in the outcome.
Since I know you’ve read The Empowered Wife and will understand the concept, I’m hearing an “I can’t” (limit/boundary), especially about this part: “he relies on me to help him with certain things – like scheduling multiple doctor appointments, or arranging to replace the garage door at the same time as hiring someone to help remodel a room in our house.”
For me, relinquishing control means I recognize what is in my circle of control and what is not, including when something is in another person’s circle of control but they are trying to put it in mine! That is where “I can’t” (which is essentially expressing a limit or boundary) comes in. I also practice relinquishing control by only offering help to my husband when he explicitly asks for help, which is sometimes challenging, especially when he seems frustrated. If I know that saying yes to a request will cause me upset, distress, or resentment (an automatic intimacy-killer) that is when I use “I can’t”.
How would it fit for you to identify the “I can’ts”, deciding which ones you’d like to put into practice, and experimenting with not volunteering if there is no explicit request for help? I know that’s a lot, but I think you’ve got this!
Hi Vicky,
I want to thank you for your work, I listen to your podcast religiously, sometimes I have to go back to some episodes that at the beginning of my “betrayed journey” I just couldn’t understand, it was all like a foreign language, but I’m starting to make progress, I get now mostly what you say, and I realize now that the “addiction fog” is starting to clear through hard work, information, therapy, 12 step meetings, boundary work, etc. And I’ve realized how far from my own side of the street I am and was at times, but I’m being conscious about it finally, and I can take responsibility for that. Thank you again for all your work, it’s really invaluable!
You’re welcome Cristina! I hear self-awareness, courage, vulnerability, and accountability in your words — which are all vital for creating emotional safety and intimacy.