• Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login
×
  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

The Politician (It’s Not What You Think)

January 12, 2017

politician partner sex addictPoliticians, political operatives, and pundits are masters of the communication tool I want to introduce you to today.

So many of the questions I receive from partners of sex addicts about communication problems with the addict can easily be addressed and resolved by learning—and using—this simple skill I call The Politician.

Here’s an overview of scenarios where The Politician is your secret weapon.

You make a request of the addict, or you bring up an issue for discussion — we’ll call these Your Talking Points (YTP).

The other person — in this case, the addict:

  • Immediately changes the subject (also called a pivot)
  • Points the finger back at you (“Yeah, but last week you . . . “)
  • Brings up one of your faults or shortcomings
  • Says a version of, “I think you’re over-reacting.“
  • Completely ignores what you said

One of my clients called these distraction strategies “Hocus Pocus, change the focus!“

In fairness, these strategies may be completely unconscious or just a habit. Most of us have used them when having conversations with our partner about hot-button topics. It’s much more comfortable to focus on what’s wrong with the other person than on our own shortcomings. But even if the diversion strategies are unconscious or unintentional, they’re a distraction, a pivot, and a re-direct from the topic at hand — YTP.

What usually happens next is — becoming derailed by the distraction or diversion of one of the strategies listed above — you become defensive, or you unwittingly veer off YTP and begin responding to the pivot made by the other person.

Examples of how this works:

  • You engage in the new conversation raised by the other person as a pivot, and forget YTP
  • You say:
    • “No I didn’t . . .”
    • “No I’m not over-reacting.”
    • “Why don’t you ever want to talk about anything important?“
    • “What do you mean, I ___________(your shortcoming, fault, etc.)?”
  • You get no response, and you simply drop the conversation/topic

Sound familiar? Yes, we’ve all done it!

So here’s where The Politician comes in.

Here are 4 steps for deploying The Politician:

1

Be very clear—for yourself—exactly what YTPs are. That way, when the conversation starts heading in another direction you’ll recognize it, and be prepared for next steps.

2

If the other person brings up a legitimate issue about inappropriate, offensive, or otherwise boundary-less behavior on your part, you can say, “I would be glad to talk to you about that at a later time, but right now I want to talk about ______________.” Of course, you can only say this if you’re genuinely willing to have a future conversation.

3

As soon as you become aware that the conversation has shifted away from YTP, you simply restate them. Even if you get diverted for 5 minutes going down a rabbit hole of defending yourself, or you got lost in unproductive dialogue, you can simply say, “I want to come back to the topic I raised,” or “What I’d like to talk about is ____________.”

4

If the person you’re talking to tries—again—to pivot, derail, distract or otherwise veer away from YTP say, “I’ll bring this up another time,” or ask “Is there another time that would work better for you to have a conversation about the topic I raised?” Fiercely resist the temptation to engage in any topic that is different than YTP.

I promise, if you learn The Politician and use it to the best of your ability, it will reduce frustration and end unproductive or crazy-making conversations.

 

 


If you’d like to receive blog posts just as soon as they happen, enter your email address now in the Subscribe to Blog via Email form on the right of this page.

© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)

All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity. Submitted comments containing offensive language or other objectionable statements will not be published.

Related

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 12.06.02 PM

Ready to to identify, create, and maintain effective boundaries?

Enter your name and email below to download the fillable PDF 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to record your work.

Comments

  1. Gaylynn N says

    January 29, 2017 at 7:51 pm

    Thank you for such a wonderful resource and all you are doing for the partners of sex addicts. Gaylynn N. with ISA http://www.isurvivors.org

    • Vicki Tidwell Palmer says

      January 30, 2017 at 10:06 am

      Thank you Gaylynn!

  2. Chris Stachura says

    April 30, 2018 at 11:22 am

    Hi Vicki,
    I’m not involved with a sex addict, but I so wish I’d known about your blog before. I’m right now being gaslighted by both my psychiatrist and her nurse “that’s not exactly what we said,” or an implications that my thinking is faulty because “what I have in my notes here…” In my case I have a witness who heard what was said, which is great but I’m thinking it will be a while before I trust my own perceptions again!

    • Vicki Tidwell Palmer says

      May 1, 2018 at 9:04 am

      Hi Chris, so sorry to hear about your situation. Sounds like it’s time for a new psychiatrist who knows how to listen and validate your reality! I’m glad the information was helpful.

About Vicki

Vicki is the best-selling author of Moving Beyond Betrayal, host of the Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries, and blogger for Thriving After Betrayal blog, ranked one of the Top 15 Infidelity Blogs and Websites to Follow in 2019. Her latest project, unveiled on International Women’s Day 2020, is The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive.  read more…

Moving Beyond Betrayal

Categories

  • Addiction & Recovery
  • Boundaries
  • Disclosure
  • For Addicts
  • For Couples
  • Inspiration & Hope
  • Rebuilding Trust
  • Trauma & Partners

Recent Posts

  • Time to Thrive
  • Life Can Only Be Found in the Present Moment
  • Healing Begins With You
  • An Open Letter to Betrayed Male Partners
  • 5 Ways to Deprive the Past of Oxygen

Subscribe to Blog

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Moving Beyond Betrayal & Boundaries

The Book, “Moving Beyond Betrayal”

The 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Reading & Online Resources

Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Online Courses & Support for Partners Moving Beyond Betrayal

Formal Therapeutic Disclosure/Polygraph Presentation Bundle

Moving Beyond Betrayal Clinicians & Coaches Course

For Women Ready for the Next Phase of Healing

Explore The Radiant Threefold Path

Read Latest Posts from The Radiant Threefold Path Blog

Learn about The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive

Get the FREE Invitation to the Path

Connect with Vicki

Instagram

Facebook

YouTube

Contact

© Copyright 2023 Vicki Tidwell Palmer. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy