Sexually oriented businesses are intensely triggering to betrayed partners.
Seeing a massage parlor, adult bookstore, strip club, or so-called modeling studio can bring on a panic attack. Partners often intentionally avoid driving or walking by one of these business establishments to manage their anxiety.
While it’s completely understandable and natural to be triggered when being reminded of where your spouse once acted our or was unfaithful, betrayed partners often have beliefs about sexually oriented business that make their triggers worse.
The good news is that most of these beliefs are lies. Here are four common lies most partners believe about sexually oriented businesses:
1
My spouse thinks of sexually oriented businesses as light-hearted, fun adult entertainment
One of the hallmarks of sexually oriented businesses is that customers don’t park in plain view, or walk in the front door for the whole world to see. These businesses often have parking lots that are either obscured by a fence, or behind the building. Why? Because the overwhelming majority of people who go to sexually oriented business go there in secret. No one knows they are there, and they don’t want anyone to know. They’re not proud of their behavior.
If sexually oriented businesses are fun adult entertainment, why would someone need to keep it a secret or hide? By definition, an adult is someone who is fully grown and developed. An adult can also be thought of as someone with maturity. Mature adults do not—as a habit—sneak around behaving in ways that produce shame, are violations of their commitments, and are outside their value system.
2
My spouse feels shame-free excitement when he thinks of going to a sexually oriented business
Your spouse may feel excitement as he is making secret plans to go to a sexually oriented business, but he also feels fear and shame. People who are chronically—and deceptively—unfaithful or sexually compulsive, have distinct mental compartments that protect them from fully feeling their fear and shame. Although they may not consciously feel their negative feelings, they are always present just underneath the surface if their extra-marital behaviors are outside their value system.
If they felt pure excitement and believed their activities were simply fun, wholesome, and within their value system, they would own their right to go to a sexually oriented business and freely share with their partner what they were doing.
3
The reason my unfaithful spouse goes to sexually oriented businesses is because the sex workers there are more desirable than I am
You may think the reason your unfaithful spouse goes to massage parlors, strip clubs, or other sexually oriented business is because the women there are more desirable than you. But this is distorted thinking.
First, your spouse’s behavior is 100% about him and is in no way a reflection on you, your value, or your desirability. His behavior is also not a reflection on how attractive he finds another person. No one has the power to cause another person to either be unfaithful or to not be unfaithful by what they do or don’t do, or because of the way they look.
If you take the view that infidelity happens because the unfaithful person’s partner wasn’t attractive enough, you’re placing the “blame” of infidelity on the betrayed partner, and overlooking the fact that 1) attractiveness has little to do with infidelity; and 2) a person’s relative attractiveness is not only in the eye of the beholder, the perception is also highly unreliable. For example, have you ever thought someone was attractive and then—with no visible alterations or changes on their part—you didn’t? That’s because your thoughts about them changed. They were still the same person you found attractive before.
The reality is that many people who struggle with out of control sexual behavior or who have been unfaithful to their partner can’t understand why they felt compelled to act out with people they found less desirable than their life partners.
4
My spouse feels satisfied and guilt-free when he leaves a sexually oriented business
A person who routinely hides and lies about going to sexually oriented businesses does not feel satisfied or guilt-free. In fact, if you ask someone who used to go to adult bookstores or massage parlors how they felt when they left, they’re likely to say they felt like “scum” or thought of themselves as a loser for being there.
Believe it or not, many betrayed partners actually forget about the sexually oriented business that used to cause them panic attacks. One day they notice that they drove by an adult bookstore or other sexually oriented business earlier in the day and they weren’t aware of it at all. And some partners—years after discovery and disclosure—feel pain and even compassion about these dark places and the people inside who are hiding and hurting.
And before you go, if you’d like some hope that change truly does happen, read my article from June 2016 about the adult bookstore across the street from my office that turned into a BBQ restaurant (The Pit Room). You can read the whole article here. I’m pleased to report that The Pit Room has become a very popular Texas BBQ destination.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)
All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity. Submitted comments containing profanity, offensive language, or otherwise objectionable material will not be published.
Thank you for this post. My husband has said every single thing you did about his acting out behavior and yes, I am still triggered by all of this after 2 years and almost 4 months. His past behavior and choices disgusts me. I gave him one chance and so far, so good. We are committed to working this out and he has been very good with aligning his behavior with his internal beliefs since D-day. All in all, I never thought I’d be living like this at my age.
You’re welcome Marie, I think it’s so important for betrayed partners to know the reality about the internal experience of addiction.
I’m concerned about your triggers and I’d like to invite you to join my next Taming Triggers Solution course that starts November 2. We work quite a bit with what I call “toxic thoughts” that make partner’s triggers worse, and my sense is that this may be a key to helping your triggers improve or better still—go away. Learning this skill alone helps most partners eliminate many of their triggers. You can find more info about the course here.
Take good care.
Your article covered a very important issue that most people do not believe in – PTSD caused by emotional trauma. People tend to associate it only with war veterans, but it is very common in people who suffer huge personal losses too. I also liked the fact that you did not shame the people who indulge in or are excited by adult entertainment, while highlighting the fact that there are specific ‘compartments’ in our brain, which makes some of us unable to feel any fear or shame when we indulge in such activities. I hope people take a note of this, and take necessary steps to work out their relationships.
Thanks Iris!
Hello Vicky, Thank you for this article about triggers. I have triggers within my own home. As time has passed and I’ve worked on things I’ve noticed my triggers are not as violent but I still struggle for example with lightning candles and dates on the calander et. (Yes, it made Christmas tricky!)
My husband recently asked me to go to a town where he met up with paid dates, in order to attend a 12 step conference, he even suggested we stay in a hotel (not the one he took his “date” to) but I am really being triggered by this! I want to go and support our friend who is the speaker .Any suggestions?
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office for the holidays until Monday, January 8. She will reply to all blog comments when she returns.
We wish you a peaceful holiday season!
Hi Julia, you’re welcome!
With regard to your question, my recommendation is for you to check in with yourself to determine what you think and how you feel. I hear that you want to support a friend who is speaking, and yet you’re feeling triggered. In situations like this, some helpful questions are:
How can I make this feel as safe as possible for me?
Can I participate in a more limited way? Driving to the event for the day only but not staying overnight, for example.
On a scale of 1-10 (10 being the highest), how triggering is this to me? (Higher numbers require most forethought and planning.)
I also highly recommend brainstorming some possible strategies with your support circle—mentors, therapist, community, group, etc. I trust that you will come up with the perfect solution!
This article highlights why I continue to circle the drain, almost three years out. The Four Common Lies do not apply to my husband and it cripples me.
I’ll start on a positive note.
My husband is committed to recovery and his transformation is nothing short of a miracle. He is consistent, reliable and 100% transparent. He’s very involved in two recovery programs and sponsors other men. He is completely devoted to me, our marriage and my healing. In all our years of marriage, I have never felt as loved and cared for as I do now.
The Four Common Lies
Lies 1 &2
Lighthearted adult entertainment / shame free excitement when he thinks about going
My husband actually told me, more than once, that he saw what he was doing as a form of “entertainment.” Being married, he knew it was wrong, but he never even considered stopping. The “pure excitement” outweighed the risks. There were moments of guilt very early on, but he got over it.
Lies 3 & 4: Sex workers are more desirable / he leaves feeling satisfied and guilt free.
My husband shopped for young, hot girls, mostly in their 20’s, on [name removed] websiite. He hand picked them based on their looks, their body type, their “services” and the reviews posted by other men who had seen them.
He booked in advance, prior to business trips or when I was out of town. They met either at his hotel or theirs.
Beautiful girls. Nice hotels. He thoroughly enjoyed what he was doing.
Feelings of shame and guilt were practically non existent.
I know this because I discovered THE REVIEWS HE POSTED ONLINE!
In his own words, he described how he set up each appointment, where they met and what they wore.
In excruciating, GRAPHIC detail, he wrote about what he did to them and what they did to him. He wrote about how “hot and tight” they were and how much he enjoyed it.
He ranked them on a scale of 1-10, including details such as “total girlfriend experience;” “forgot it was a service;” “my new ATF” (all time favorite).
He posted all of this online, for the entire world to read.
Guilt? Shame? Non existent.
Seven years before discovery, we moved into our dream home. Our first two granddaughters were born and we were absolutely in love with them. My husband became a kinder, gentler man, a new and improved dad and a doting grandpa. We gave each other space. He did his thing, I did my thing, and we did our thing. We took romantic trips, had adventures with the grandkids, had regular family get togethers. My life was good and I was filled with such gratitude and peace. He had me so thoroughly convinced that our marriage was solid and he was a devoted, loyal husband.
40 hookers in 7 years.
Did I already use the word insidious?
I’m suffocating.
LindaM, I am so sorry to hear about what you’ve been through. What you’re describing is actually typical of most men when they are acting out sexually. They convince themselves that what they’re doing is fun and “no big deal.” If your husband “knew it was wrong” he was not as care-free and happy as you may believe. And if he were truly happy and content with his (former) lifestyle, there would have been no need for him to change. But he did.
I hear you are suffocating, and I believe you can feel better. If you haven’t already, I hope you will get support for your healing (see Resources page for info). You don’t have to stay miserable because of your husband’s choices—past, present, or future. All best wishes to you.
Thank you so much for your comment, Vicki. Yes he knew on some level that what he was doing was wrong, but he wasn’t bothered by it. The fact that he could write those reviews afterwards shows a complete lack of conscience.
We both got sober in Alcoholics Anonymous in 2000. He had an opportunity to get honest with himself about everything and change. The truth is that he had no desire to stop what he was doing, was because he was thoroughly enjoying himself.
The only reason that he decided to change three years ago was because his secret was out and he didn’t want to lose his family.