Since it’s the start of a brand new year, what better time to talk about accountability!
Accountability is:
the fact or condition of being accountable; responsibility
Being accountable—or taking responsibility for your actions—is a core relationship skill, second only to being truthful and honest.
A member of my Survive & Thrive Online Community recently asked me to talk about the difference between holding another person accountable versus taking their inventory. I thought it was such a great question I wanted to answer it here.
The phrase “taking someone’s inventory” comes from Step 4 of the 12-step process, where a person makes “a searching and fearless moral inventory” of their own character defects, or the parts of themselves they want to change or transform. To “take someone’s inventory” means highlighting the faults of another person, criticizing them, or pointing out the less-than-optimal parts of their humanity.
As you might imagine, taking another person’s inventory is not desirable, or relational. However, holding another person accountable—especially in intimate relationships—is.
Here are three core differences between holding someone accountable versus taking their inventory.
Holding someone accountable is an invitation to greater connection and intimacy.
Believing that a person wants greater connection and intimacy with you when they hold you accountable may be challenging to accept. In fact, if you’re feeling defensive or shame-filled you might tell your partner that she’s taking your inventory as a way to dodge a difficult conversation or avoid taking accountability altogether.
However, when someone tells you that something that happened between the two of you is a problem for them, they are sharing their reality with you, which is a key part of intimacy. They’re also demonstrating a desire to work through an event or issue that created a feeling of disruption or disconnection with you.
On the other hand, if you take someone’s inventory by criticizing or attacking them, your intention and the impact your words have on them creates more—rather than less—disconnection.
Holding a person accountable is not intended to be shaming, humiliating, or scolding.
When you hold another person accountable, you express it in the most relational way you can. For example, you might say:
“The other day when we were at my parent’s house, you said in front of everyone, ‘Don’t you like Judy’s new dress? She bought it without telling me and hid it in the trunk of her car for a week!’ When you said that, I felt embarrassed and angry, and I would like you to not make jokes at my expense in the future, especially in front of other people.”
If Judy was taking her spouse’s inventory she might say, “You are rude and disrespectful every time we go to my parent’s house. You always make fun of me. I think you feel inferior, and you’re trying to make yourself look better by putting me down.”
Holding another person accountable is an important part of relationship repair and restoration.
When you hold another person accountable you are offering an opportunity for relationship repair. If the other person takes in your reality, apologizes and makes an amends, it goes a long way toward repairing the relationship, even painful and difficult issues from the past.
One of the markers that an addict is truly in recovery is that he (or she) has more capacity to listen to another person tell him what didn’t work about a situation, or his behavior. When your spouse remains calm and avoids defensiveness during difficult conversations, the more quickly connection and trust will be restored.
True love does not only encompass the things that make you feel good, it also holds you to a standard of accountability.
—Monica Johnson
If you’d like to receive blog posts just as soon as they happen, enter your email address now in the Subscribe to Blog via Email form on the right of this page.
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2018)
All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity. Submitted comments containing profanity, offensive language, or otherwise objectionable material will not be published.
Dear Vicki
I am struggling to recover from betrayal trauma from my partner using porn and other online sexual behaviours for years and gaslighting me about this with repeated lies and broken promises. He has never really seen his behaviour as problematic and not been truly in recovery.
Now the ultimate betrayal – flowers, luxury holidays, cooked dinners, beautiful cards telling me I was “his girl” and that he was committed to our future and to healing our relationship, and then the next month ending our 17 year relationship, in fact done while we were on a luxury holiday! Just before that he gave me a 3 page document of all the things he sees as being wrong with me since the beginning of our relationship and blamed me, my over reactions, for his need to be dishonest and even suggesting it was my fault he used porn and went to live sex sites. Now he is with a new girl. It has been so confusing with these swings from gifts and beautiful words and promises to being criticized and now completely discarded.
I feel that I am left hanging with wide open wounds that I don’t know how to heal. I thought we were going to heal within the relationship and I would hear and experience his genuine amends and witness his commitment to recovery. But instead more blame and finally complete abandonment. It has been 9 months now and I’m spite of everything that has happened, I still feel attached and hope for him to return, to choose recovery and repair the relationship. But this is fantasy thinking so now how can I let go and heal myself without the opportunity for relational repair. Thank you.
J, I am so sorry to hear about the roller coaster you’ve been on with your partner. You have absolutely been gaslighted, deceived, and manipulated. Please remind yourself daily, hourly, minute-by-minute that everything he said to you about his behaviors being your fault are complete lies. He is 100% responsible for his choices, and you are whole and wonderful exactly as you are right now.
I hope you have support for yourself. If you don’t, I highly recommend you find a therapist who is knowledgeable about betrayal trauma either through the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals (www.iitap.com) or The Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists (www.apsats.org), and connect with other partners either in a local or virtual group, my online community, or one of the peer-led groups you can find more info about on the Resources page of my website here.
I know you will get through this and feel clearer and stronger by focusing on your self-care, and with good support and guidance. Take good care of yourself.
Dear Vicki
Thank you so much for acknowledging my message and for validating my pain as being real and significant. Also for naming his behaviour as you did. It has been hard for me to consistently see it this way. I do have support, however I think I will increase it as it may not be enough and will certainly join your online community and read your book.
I was just remembering that about 4 years ago he told me that the benefit for him of me staying ‘unwell’ (depression/anxiety) was that I was easier to control. Wouldn’t a healthy person walk right out the door if hearing those words come out of their partner’s mouth? Instead I doubted and minimised my feelings about it as well as his behaviour.
Thank you again.
Hi JR,
It sounds like your partner displayed all the symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). The cycle for this type of abuse is Love-Bomb, Devaluation, and Discard. When he was overly lovely with gifts and sentiments, he was in the Love-Bomb stage with you. The 3-page document was meant to devalue you. Finally, he put you through what looks like a Final Discard stage (as it’s been 9 months) and even mixed Triangulation in the mix by moving on to another girl or should I say “new” supply. With all this activity, you have just suffered Narcissistic Abuse. Also, I would not be surprised if this has happened more than a few times over the course of your entire relationship. Please look it up on YouTube and find more information on books such as Fifty Shades of Narcissism on Amazon. I know this doesn’t minimize your hurt but it at least gives it a label and with research you can see how to recover more quickly.
Your post is very well said and I am glad to have found it. Thank you for what you wrote, very grounding to those of us who may (still) be dealing with unhealthy people in our lives.
Working on our own healing and recovery is the answer, yes – others might bring things up in us but then we are left with being responsible for our own well being. That includes setting healthy boundaries and having consequences with those boundaries. We are worth protecting !
Thanks Sarah and yes, you are worth protecting!!
Helpful differentiation between accountability and taking inventory, Vicki. The line between the two can be blurry at times. Also, your example of “Judy” holding her spouse accountable also demonstrates more effective communication with her using “I” statements and owning her own experience vs her taking inventory using “you” statements to her spouse.
Christene Lozano, LMFT CSAT
Thanks Christene! It is definitely a fine art to simultaneously hold another person accountable while staying on one’s side of the street.
Hi,
I wanted to ask a question. My boyfriend has this obsession with holding me accountable… like he feels like it’s necessary for him to do. To me, it feels like he is trying to be my judge or parent rather than convey his feelings about something.
For example… he was going to be with one of his friends and one of the ways I know who this person is is because he has described the person as an alcoholic. Well, I stuck my foot in my mouth and said, “Oh is that the alki (aka alcoholic)?” He was greatly offended by that to which he got very angry and preceded to tell me how disrespectful that was. I tried to explain to him that I really didn’t mean it as a negative thing although it was not the best identifier, and I wouldn’t do it again. Except… he thinks I’m not being accountable. I told him this: I can understand why it bothered you & I made a mistake, but I don’t necessarily feel bad about it… I just want to make sure your boundaries are respected. I told him I want him to let me know if something bothers me but it’s not up to him to then force the feelings he thinks I should feel on me because he started in texting me that he will just start calling my mom the alki and my good friend the terrible mother…… like just going to a whole other level at which point I really didn’t care to relate to him or understand his problem. He became really belligerent and childish… telling me that I don’t have any friends and not especially any that would drive to see me and just nasty things like that.
He likes to tell me no one has ever held me accountable because my parents are just alcoholics and I never had to be accountable for anything because of that… like he seems to think he needs to now make me accountable for it.
I find all kinds of things wrong with this. Especially since he seems to feel justified in this behavior and I continually have this problem with him (the way he speaks to me in his anger).
But really… my question is: does accountability always need to come with contrition? I feel like as long as you acknowledge the problem and try to understand their feelings and not do it again, then you’ve been accountable. I made a mistake saying what I said, but it was nothing more than a mistake. I’m not going to make more out of it. Except, jking, it’s been a 2 day argument where I am seriously contemplating leaving the relationship (for reasons beyond this, or really for this exact reason that continually happens). Anyway… does accountability need to be followed by contrition?
Thanks!
Hi Justcurious, this is a great question. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend listening to my podcast episode from a few weeks ago, Want More Intimacy? Accountability is Key. Although it doesn’t specifically address your question, it will give you more info on my thoughts about accountability in general.
Your question is a bit complex to answer on the blog, so I’m going to do a Part 2 to the podcast to talk about how to handle situations when someone else believes you are not being accountable, and you have a different perception. Stay tuned . . . . the episode will be released next week on August 29! You can subscribe on iTunes or go to podcast site here to subscribe and get an email notice once a new episode has been released.
I recently had an issue with my partner, we are in a long distance relationship and recently engaged, but he seems to want to control when am online or not, and asked my WhatsApp time stamp be restored, I have a sleeping disorder, so I am up at odd times. Which he is not comfortable with though I have explained to him, that I am not necessarily chatting as I get my entertainment online(no TV and I stay alone) have my devotion, read my group chats I ignore during the day and all at such times when I can’t sleep. He feels there is something wrong, and insits I do not wish to be accountable. Its this a case of accountablity or just control?
Hi Tina, unless something has happened in your relationship in the past that would cause you to need to be accountable to your partner about your online activities, there is no reason for someone in a relationship to need to monitor the other person’s online (or real-time) activity. If you do not want your online activity monitored you have a right to set a boundary.
I betrayed my spouse. I lied and drip feed him the truth over months. He has been nothing but extremely supportive in allowing me the chance to make it up to him. I am so sorry for how I have let him down and damaged his own sense of worth. I didn’t do what I needed to do in the initial months as I was riddled with Shame, suffering depressing and selfishness . Now I feel like I am in a better place and want do lots of things to make ammends but he still tells me im not doing enough. I accept this but he gets upset and tells me each time I don’t fix it that it’s more rejection for him. He produced a 8 page document outlining his hurts and he wants equal acts of repair for all the problems I caused. I agree and I want to make it up to him but some betrayals don’t have direct repairs. When I have thought of solutions outside the box he has also said they don’t address the problems I created. I know I broke something very special and I have so much more love for him and I will give him whatever time he needs but how else can I show him I’m accountable ?
Dear Misses SM, I hear that you want to make amends to your husband and you are ready and willing to do what needs to be done. And for that, I honor you!
I highly recommend in situations like this that the betrayed partner spend some time thinking about what his/her needs are and making requests for what amend/repair is meaningful for him/her.
Your husband is the best source for the most effective amends for him. Perhaps you could ask him to make a list of what he would like as a repair or an amend so that the two of you can have a conversation about it. His requests do not equal an obligation on your part to fulfill, but his list will provide a roadmap for healing.
I keep finding myself in situations where I am being “held accountable” for things that do not have an effect on others, or are not things I have requested they hold me accountable to.
For example, my ex partner was aware that I wanted to lose weight and took it upon himself to monitor my eating, congratulate me when I ate smaller portions, tell me he wasn’t attracted to me because Id put on weight, criticise my eating choices, cut off my ability to spend money if it was at certain restaurants that didnt have “healthy” options, tell me I was being a lazy slob if I stayed in bed, snack shame me, encourage me to sign up for a gym and give me the silent treatment should I not etc. This was against my insistent will that he not be involved in my personal journey and that this approach was the opposite of motivating. Each time he did any of the above I would call him out and remind him that support for me comes in staying out of it. He was convinced that being a forceful part of it was the only way I would lose weight and that it was in fact motivating – whether I knew it or not – to have someone holding me accountable and essentially breathing down my neck about it. Needless to say, I became very depressed, anxious, developed very low self esteem, and put on 25 kilograms. And not that it should matter all that much, but I was never at risk of any health complications that could possibly effect him either – I was a fairly active 70kg 22 year old.
Since then (and even before then to a lesser extent), I have found a real issue with people (not partners necessarily) pointing out to me areas where I should “better myself”, especially when it’s continual and when the areas are personal and have no consequences for anyone but myself should I not address them. They may give me advice I never asked for and then be upset if I don’t follow it. A small example is advising me not to use the microwave because of the damaging effect radiation has on the food, but then will see me using it again and feel dismissed, remind me again not to use it, say Im failing to do the right thing and insisting that its so simple. I tell them I don’t doubt that they are right in what they say I just say that I’ll get to it in my own time if I want to make that change when I feel I have the headspace. They see this as me making an excuse and call me out on that as though I haven’t justified myself well enough. I try to explain that I am not asking for them to hold me accountable and that they should only do this should I actually ask them outright to remind me or point it out. However they understand the concept of accountability as being something you can enforce on to someone as “accountability” often is discussed from the place of someone doing something “wrong” or “harmful” – though usually to others.
This person is very open to learning how to better approach these situations, but responds a lot better to reading or podcasts than an actual conversation with me in which he will get quite carried away. I cant find anything online to help me with this phenomenon and I was wondering if you could? Thank you so much!
Oh Bee, this sounds so frustrating! Having people make a running commentary or pepper you with questions sounds infuriating and exhausting.
When I experience this I like to respond with as few words as possible. For example, if someone tells me I should go to bed earlier or I should wear a coat because it’s cold outside, I can simply acknowledge that I heard them with, “Interesting,” or “You could be right,” for example.
I recorded two podcast episodes about this very topic, and they might help give you some additional ideas:
Episode #46 – Boundaries Quick Tips #4 | Are You Open to Feedback?
Episode #65 – Giving Unsolicited Advice, Take 2
Hope you enjoy the information,
Vicki