If you’re a partner of a sex addict, there is a very high likelihood that at some point you’ve wondered if you’ve tolerated the addict’s behavior for too long or put up with more than you should.
Many partners berate themselves with internal messages like, “What’s wrong with me?” or “Why am I still with him?” If you’ve had thoughts like these, I invite you to give yourself some much-needed self-compassion and grace.
There are so many reasons partners stay—the most common being a long-term investment in the relationship (often decades), a desire to protect children from the consequences of divorce, the addict’s promises to stop his/her behavior, and the hope that he will.
But there comes a time for some partners when they begin to seriously and frequently wonder if it’s time to cut their losses. They don’t want a divorce and they don’t want to leave, but they’re at the end of their rope and they want to know . . .
When is enough enough?
If you rely on what other people tell you, you’ll be confused. Well-meaning but uninformed family or friends will say “forgive and forget.” Others will ask “Why are you still with him?” or “I can’t believe you’re still with him.” None of these are helpful, and the reason they’re not is that they don’t support you in getting to your truth and your reality.
If you’re wondering how you will know when enough is truly enough, here are 6 signs:
1
You have carefully deliberated over time—not in the heat of the moment or when emotions are running high—and you know, in your gut, that it is time to leave. Although you feel uncertain or nervous about the future, you feel a calm, grounded, resolve.
2
When you imagine life without the addict, your vision consistently seems more fulfilling, happier, and more promising than life with him/her. One of the ways you can test how it might feel is to ask yourself, “If I were to wake up tomorrow morning and our relationship was over, how would I feel?” Asking a question like this often brings immediate clarity.
3
You see very little—or no—sign of improvement or recovery in the addict despite engagement in recovery work such as therapy, 12-step meetings, etc. over a period of a year or more. He consistently slips or relapses, frequently responds to questions or requests in a defensive way, and exhibits the mindset that he “has to” engage in trust-building, relationship restoring behaviors—in other words, he sees himself as a victim of recovery.
4
Lying and deception don’t decrease over time. The reason I say decrease rather than completely disappear is because it takes time for addicts to stop the lying and deception habit that goes hand-in-hand with addiction. For more information about the addict’s path from deception to honesty, and its impact on partners, read my article The “Honesty Problem” in Early Recovery.
5
You have gathered information and fully researched what it will mean for you, your finances, and your children to leave the relationship, and you feel confident and prepared to move forward. Preparation may involve consulting with an attorney, identifying health insurance options, affordable housing, etc.
6
You are confident that you’ve done everything you’re willing to do to save your relationship and give the addict an opportunity to change his behavior and repair the damage.
Leaving a relationship is a monumental decision, and one that shouldn’t be made lightly or quickly. If you’re unsure or uncertain, accept that that is where you are for now. There is no need to force a decision—clarity will come. I trust that you will know if and when the time is right for you to leave.
Are you a clinician, counselor, or coach working with partners of sex addicts? My Moving Beyond Betrayal Clinicians & Coaches Online Course starts Spring 2018. For more information, visit here.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)
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This is a very powerful post for both spouses and the addict. I have personally told wives to “protect themselves” if I know the addict isn’t working his program or continues to manipulate, lie, deceive, or is not showing any progress in their sanctification or submission to the Lord. It is truly heartbreaking, but there are some couples that don’t make it through this difficult time and addicts need to understand this truth; not to make them live in fear and work their recovery based on fear, but out of love and reality that our actions have consequences. God disciplines those He loves.
Hi Jorge, thanks for adding your perspective to this topic! When partners (or addicts) ask me if their relationship can survive sex addiction, I always say that I absolutely believe that it can, provided both individuals are committed to the process. But, as you said, it’s unrealistic to expect a partner to continue to “hang in there” with repeated slips, relapses, and ongoing deception.
We have been walking this journey for 2 1/2 years. We have been attending Pure Desire groups and for the past 6 months we have been working with a husband and wife CSAT team. It has been increasingly difficult with my husband getting more and more angry as we are getting closer to an upcoming disclosure. Angry enough that I was fearful and left our home a month ago, for what I thought would be about 4 days. He continued to get more angry, including during a joint counseling session that our counselors had to halt because he was becoming too aggressive. We have been married for 15 years. He has had anger issues, especially when our children were younger- enough that I probably should have taken stronger action but would physically get between him and the children to prevent physical actions. He has not ever hit me, and therefore, our pastor tells me that there is no reason that I should still be out of our home. He has not been good about honoring my boundaries and I have not been good about calling him on it, but have vowed to be more consistent with supporting my boundaries and the consequences/stabilizations attached to them. How do I know when it is safe to go home?
Hi Wendy, this is such an important topic and question that I’m glad you have a professional team to work with to help you navigate through this difficult and painful time. Safety is a fundamental need in any relationship. Without it, we can’t progress to higher level needs like the need for emotional and physical connection.
The bottom line is that only you can know when it’s safe to go home—no one else can, or should, decide for you. A person can be frightening, intimidating, and threatening without any physical contact. My recommendation would be for you to spend some time thinking about what would need to happen or what you would like to see from your husband (concrete & measurable)—and for how long—that would help you know that it’s safe for you to go home. If you haven’t already, I highly recommend you read my book Moving Beyond Betrayal and use the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to help walk you through this decision. You can download the Clarifier for free here: vickitidwellpalmer.com/5sbsclarifier