• Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login
×
  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

In(ter)dependence

July 4, 2016

partner sex addict interdependenceOn this Independence Day 2016, I’d like to take a moment to reflect on a high level relationship skill—Interdependence—and how it works in relationships impacted by intimate partner betrayal.

Interdependence

The mutual reliance between two or more groups. In relationships, interdependence is the degree to which members of the group are mutually dependent on the others.

Interdependence is the healthy balance (in adult-adult relationships) between being too needy on one extreme, or an island—anti-dependent or needless/wantless—on the other end of the continuum.

In early discovery and disclosure, you may have felt needy in your relationship, even if you were a very self-reliant person prior to discovery. You may still feel more needy and vulnerable than you would like to feel.

You likely felt as though the rug had been pulled out from under you. The search for information, answers—the truth—is how partners seek and find safety. It’s perfectly normal that you would feel more vulnerable . . . . and even needy for a time.

Generally speaking, when a person is too needy in their primary, intimate relationship they rely too much on their partner to meet basic emotional, physical, or sexual needs.

They may rely almost exclusively on their partner for feeling good about who they are, for affirmation, or approval. While it’s completely human—and natural—to want affirmation and approval from your partner, if you can’t feel good about yourself without it, you are on the extreme of the too dependent/needy continuum.

On the other end of the spectrum, the person is anti-dependent or needless and wantless.

While anti-dependent and needless/wantless are on the same end of the continuum, they’re different in the way they’re experienced. The person who is anti-dependent knows what they need or want, they know how to get it, and  they don’t ask for help. In fact, they usually don’t think to ask. They just do whatever needs to be done to get what they want. The needless/wantless person actually doesn’t have a clue as to what they need or want, and therefore doesn’t think to ask.

During the first one to three years post-discovery, relationships impacted by sex addiction and intimate partner betrayal must cultivate a high level of interdependence in order to survive.

During this sensitive period, interdependence is different than it is in relationships not impacted by betrayal.

Here are 4 ways interdependence looks different during the repair phase of intimate partner betrayal:

  1. The betrayed partner may reasonably expect (and request) that her partner be highly transparent, reliable, and forthcoming about all facets of his life—including the minutiae of day-to-day living (for example, what time he left the office to come home or where he stopped to fill up his car with gas).
  2. The sex addict/person who breached trust in the relationship should not expect his/her partner to affirm, applaud, or otherwise express appreciation for his efforts or success in recovery. While this is a real need of the addict, it is a need that is better met by his support system—12-step fellowship, sponsor, therapist, clergy, etc. The betrayed partner may express her gratitude and appreciation, but it should not be expected or requested, especially in the first year after discovery.
  3. The betrayed partner will need assurances of care, love, her value, and her partner’s loyalty for an extended period of time post-discovery and disclosure. Ongoing assurances like these usually indicate a problem with taking care of basic needs in a healthy, interdependent relationship. However, in relationships impacted by intimate partner betrayal, they are vital to the restoration of mutuality, safety, and trust.
  4. A betrayed partner’s requests for information, accountability, reliability, and transparency in the first one to three years post-discovery should be considered safety-seeking behaviors, rather than a sign of neediness.

If you’re struggling with feelings of vulnerability and neediness, I assure you that these are only for a season. With self-care, good information, and boundaries, you will move from trauma to trust.

[Related posts: A Partner’s Bill of Rights, Are You Asking for Too Much . . . or Too Little?]

_______________________

If you’d like to receive blog posts just as soon as they happen, enter your email address now in the Subscribe to Blog via Email form on the right of this page.

© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2016)

All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity.

Related

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 12.06.02 PM

Ready to to identify, create, and maintain effective boundaries?

Enter your name and email below to download the fillable PDF 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to record your work.

Comments

  1. Susan says

    August 4, 2016 at 10:04 am

    This article has been very helpful to me as it helps to clear some of the confusion of what I can reasonably expect and ask for. It helps me to feel less crazy and gives me confidence to ask for what I need at this time. My husband and I will soon be going through a formal disclosure process with our therapists. We have been married for 33 years and I discovered my husband sex addiction 16 years ago. We have been struggling with recovery ever since. We are currently separated and have been for approximately 1 month. This has been an extremely painful process for me, but I feel it has been very necessary. Thank you for all of your helpful advice and counsel.

    • Vicki Tidwell Palmer says

      August 4, 2016 at 10:46 pm

      Thanks Susan, I’m so glad the information was helpful to you. I hope your upcoming disclosure provides you a foundation from which to begin healing and repairing your relationship.

About Vicki

Vicki is the best-selling author of Moving Beyond Betrayal, host of the Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries, and blogger for Thriving After Betrayal blog, ranked one of the Top 15 Infidelity Blogs and Websites to Follow in 2019. Her latest project, unveiled on International Women’s Day 2020, is The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive.  read more…

Moving Beyond Betrayal

Categories

  • Addiction & Recovery
  • Boundaries
  • Disclosure
  • For Addicts
  • For Couples
  • Inspiration & Hope
  • Rebuilding Trust
  • Trauma & Partners

Recent Posts

  • Time to Thrive
  • Life Can Only Be Found in the Present Moment
  • Healing Begins With You
  • An Open Letter to Betrayed Male Partners
  • 5 Ways to Deprive the Past of Oxygen

Subscribe to Blog

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.

  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Moving Beyond Betrayal & Boundaries

The Book, “Moving Beyond Betrayal”

The 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Reading & Online Resources

Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Online Courses & Support for Partners Moving Beyond Betrayal

Formal Therapeutic Disclosure/Polygraph Presentation Bundle

Moving Beyond Betrayal Clinicians & Coaches Course

For Women Ready for the Next Phase of Healing

Explore The Radiant Threefold Path

Read Latest Posts from The Radiant Threefold Path Blog

Learn about The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive

Get the FREE Invitation to the Path

Connect with Vicki

Instagram

Facebook

YouTube

Contact

© Copyright 2023 Vicki Tidwell Palmer. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy