I’ll get right to the point: emotional healing is an inside job.
I know, because over the years I’ve experienced a multitude of emotional wounds — many self-inflicted, some having no obvious explanation, and some inflicted on me by another person’s unconsciousness or cruelty.
Regardless of who or what was “at fault” for my pain, what I discovered was that I was the only one who could truly heal it. When the wound was inflicted by another person who sincerely wanted to make amends or repair the damage, of course, that helped.
But the deeper layer of healing emerged from exploring the meaning of my suffering, and taking responsibility for my healing and happiness.
When you’ve been wounded by another person’s choice to deceive and betray you, it’s only natural to expect and desire that they do something or make an effort to help you feel better, to repair the relationship, or to make amends to you. No doubt, your spouse can help you heal by taking specific actions to be more transparent, accountable, and forthcoming.
However, the deepest healing in relationships happens in unplanned, unscripted moments when unexpected tears come, or a deeply authentic expression of remorse spontaneously arises.
These moments are more likely to happen when there is emotional connection and intimacy — by-products of a culture of respect and gratitude — not through teaching, instruction, scripts designed to foster empathic connection, or even a partner’s requests.
Placing responsibility on an unfaithful spouse to heal his partner’s pain seems logical and deserved, right? After all, he (or she) was the one who caused the damage and fractured the relationship. But does it truly serve partners to look to their spouses for healing? I don’t believe it does.
What I discovered after decades of trying everything else, was that looking to another person’s actions or behavior as the barometer for my own happiness left me in an extremely vulnerable and precarious situation.
If the person we rely on to heal our pain, or to make us happy, doesn’t show up the way we think they should, or doesn’t do what the experts say they should do, or slips, or relapses, or doesn’t follow through with what they promised, or is just plain human and fails, where does that leave us? Sad, disappointed, and disempowered.
If you want to heal, or heal faster, start with you.
Practice the very best self-care you can, set the standards you need to feel safe (specifically physical/sexual boundaries), deprive the painful past of oxygen as much as you can, focus on your vision and desires, and surround yourself with people who are standing for your thriving.
Healing takes courage, and we all have courage,
even if we have to dig a little to find it.
—Tori Amos
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2020)
Wow, is this post ever filled with great reminders and great new info!
Thank you, Vicki! The nitty-gritty of the process of figuring it all out within our own individual lives is definitely a “process,” particularly of first identifying and then developing the new, healthy patterns in order to consistently apply it to one’s life. And the process is impossible to do without consistent superb 5 areas of therapeutic self-care; which includes identifying how much and in what areas one needs to establish boundaries and then maintain according to the multiple areas of one’s humanity safety needs. And on days when it becomes to feel overwhelming, taking a break is in order –> taking a nap, going for a walk, picking up a favorite book or movie, going out with a trusted friend, etc. Thank you so much, Vicki, for helping us to heal, to very gradually find our healthy way to live life (and doing so even while we are still in the depth of healing multiple, severe, deep wounds process), to once again find meaning and joy in our life, and to no longer be lost/set adrift in despair and hopeless.
Thank you Shereen, you described the healing process beautifully!💙
Thank you so much for all the professional and personal information you continue to share. It is so helpful when trying to live in a healthy way. I truly enjoyed listening to your podcast on co dependency and boundaries. I will continue to practice these suggestions and check out some of the books.
I have a relationship dilemma I can’t quite figure out what to do with moving forward. It involves my MIL and the way she judges my parenting. I’ve always been a pushover and finally wanted to stand up for myself. I sent her a note a few days later explaining my hurt feelings and how I felt that she was judging me harshly. I stated that I respected her but just wanted to get it off my chest. I thought she would be understanding and we could just move on. I have no bad feelings about it, however every time I’ve reached out she’s ignored my messages or sends one word answers. So my question is how do I deal with a poorly received boundary or when standing up for myself causes the other person to be upset?
I wish I would’ve not said anything because now it’s worst for everyone and I feel worst instead of empowering myself.
Also thank you for your podcast. I really enjoy your insight and how you explain things so clearly.
Hi Tara, this sounds so painful to try to stand up for yourself and then feel punished for it. I want to acknowledge you for the courage and vulnerability I know it takes to tell your mother-in-law that your feelings were hurt.
One of the most challenging parts about setting limits with other people or expressing ourselves is that people sometimes don’t respond the way we would like. That doesn’t necessarily mean we made a mistake!
When I set a limit, say “I can’t”,” or tell someone a difficult truth, I try to remember that their response is completely on their side of the street, and is not my responsibility. It’s not easy, but it’s true.
How would it fit for you to celebrate yourself for being brave and sharing your authentic feelings, and relinquishing control over how your mother-in-law is responding to what you shared with her?
By the way, if you haven’t listened to this podcast episode, it might be helpful as you are processing what happened with your MIL:
Episode #32: Boundaries Quick Tips #1: So, You’re Offended?
Dear Vicki and Tara,
As I read the story of the MIL, maybe the MIL didn’t change by Tara standing up for herself. But maybe by her action, Tara is changed and maybe that is most important.
In the past, I spent a lot of Energy as Vicki describes, putting my recovery in someone else’s response, namely my husband’s. I was often disappointed, and yes, vulnerable Waiting on him to help heal me or respond the way I expected. Now I do my best to focus on my own growth and it typically benefits me but also Ironically, it helps my relationship with my husband.
Thank you, Vicki for sharing your wisdom.