(The information contained in this post is for informational purposes only. Because of the serious nature of the disclosure process and the significant potential for harm due to improper use, this information should be used only in the context of a therapeutic process facilitated by a mental health professional trained in the use of formal therapeutic disclosure, and not as a self-help or do-it-yourself tool.)
Sadly, most partners of sex addicts experience what is commonly referred to as “staggered disclosure.”
Staggered disclosure is when a partner repeatedly discovers information about the sex addict’s infidelity either by accident, investigation, or by the sex addict’s own admission.
Staggered disclosure is painful and traumatic for partners.
To make matters worse, after sex addicts disclose incomplete or even misleading information, they often tell their partner, “I’ve told you everything.”
Prior to formal therapeutic disclosure, the statement “I’ve told you everything,” is almost always a further deception on the part of the addict.
For this reason, I encourage both the sex addict and her/his partner to refrain from having detailed conversations about the addict’s behaviors prior to formal disclosure.
As a partner, your initial response to being told that you can’t ask questions about the sex addict’s behavior may spark outrage. After all, you’ve been intentionally and repeatedly deceived and lied to, possibly for years. Why should you have to wait even longer for the truth? You may also wonder how you’re supposed to protect yourself if you don’t have information. Your questions are completely reasonable and understandable.
The truth is that unless there is an imminent risk of harm to you, your reputation (due to a public disclosure of the sex addict’s behavior), or to your children, it is more harmful than helpful for you and the sex addict to have unmediated and unfacilitated conversations about his/her history of infidelity prior to formal therapeutic disclosure.
However, you do need to protect yourself sexually and emotionally during this time. Boundary work at this stage is crucial. If you’re concerned that the sex addict may have exposed you to a sexually transmitted infection, for example, you need to get tested and refrain from sexual contact with the addict until after formal therapeutic disclosure (and polygraph, if applicable).
Formal therapeutic disclosure (“FTD”) is a mutual, planned, and professionally facilitated event where the sex addict reads a document prepared in advance describing his/her history of sexual infidelity.
FTD provides a foundation to begin the process of repairing the damage done to the relationship and to rebuild trust.
FTD typically happens in one of two ways: 1) after the sex addict has worked with an individual therapist over a period of months to prepare the document; or 2) in an intensive format of 3-4 days facilitated by a trained mental health professional.
While it can be frustrating for partners to wait for several months for a disclosure, the reality is that the disclosure process helps sex addicts emerge from denial, gain a better understanding of their behaviors, and become more forthcoming and honest.
If a disclosure process is rushed, the potential for omissions, attempts at further deception, and failed polygraphs is higher.
FTD should include the following components:
- The sex addict and partner are in agreement about participating in the formal disclosure process
- Both parties (with the agreement of their therapist(s)) are in agreement about the timing of the disclosure session
- Neither partner has initiated legal divorce proceedings or has recently stated that they plan to initiate divorce
- Partner is given an opportunity both before and after the reading of the FTD to ask questions of the addict
- The sex addict has worked with a therapist trained in facilitating disclosures to prepare the written document that will be read to the partner during the FTD
- At least one professional trained in facilitating FTD is present for the disclosure session
- Therapeutic and/or peer support is available to the partner both during and immediately after FTD
In addition, due to the level of deception inherent in sex addiction, a polygraph with an experienced polygraph examiner familiar with FTD is highly recommended, although optional. Polygraph is typically done immediately following disclosure — usually on the same day — and should be completed as soon as possible following a FTD.
Generally speaking, FTD should include the following information:
- Types of sexual acting out behaviors
- Approximate time frames of behaviors
- Approximately frequency of behaviors
- Approximate number of sexual partners
- The date of last contact with any affair partners and/or the last date addict engaged in behaviors
- Approximate amount of money spent on behaviors or activities related to behaviors, including source and location of funds
- Names of acting out partners known by partner of sex addict
- Health issues (sexually transmitted infections, etc.)
- Legal issues (e.g., arrests, lawsuits, and any children fathered by sex addict with affair partner)
- Incidents that may have directly or indirectly impacted the couples’ children (including exposure to pornography, affair partners, or the sharing of photos, etc. with affair partners or online)
- Brief sexual autobiography (optional, but may be particularly helpful in understanding the roots of addiction and its progression)
The following information should NOT be included in a FTD:
- Graphic details of sexual behaviors
- Names of affair partners not known by partner
- Locations of sexual acting out (other than the couple’s home or other property owned by couple)
- Addict’s thoughts or feelings about acting out partners
- Fantasies, unless they directly impacted partner (e.g., sex addict’s chronic use of fantasy during sex with partner or addict’s chronic inability to remain present in daily activities such as work, couples’ relationship, or parenting due to fantasy)
In the same session that a FTD occurs, the sex addict should present his/her sex plan or “inner circle” if the partner doesn’t already know it. The addict should also commit to telling his partner of any “slips” (engaging in any bottom line or inner circle behaviors) within a specific timeframe — typically 24-72 hours.
The combination of the FTD, polygraph (if applicable), sharing of sex plan, and commitment to disclose future acting out behaviors, provides the foundation for the repair of the relationship and the beginnings of rebuilding trust.
As a partner, you have a right to request a FTD. You also have a right not to receive a disclosure if you don’t want one.
If you’ve been wanting a disclosure for some time and the sex addict has been unwilling or has repeatedly stalled in following through, it is completely reasonable for you to request to join him at his next individual session with his therapist to discuss your requests and ask any questions you may have. (Read my article: How Long Should it Take to Prepare a Disclosure? here.)
If you’re a partner who’s been through disclosure and would like to share your experience, strength, and hope, please leave a comment below.*
Listen to a 110-minute presentation hosted by Vicki Tidwell Palmer, CSAT where she will teach you the fundamentals of a sound Formal Therapeutic Disclosure (“FTD”) process.
Get all the details and purchase online here.
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2015)
Survival Strategies for Betrayed Partners blog articles are protected by U.S. copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, distributed, or re-published without written permission of the author.
*All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity.
I have been through the disclosure with my husband and I am the partner, it was helpful but I pretty much knew everything already. In my opinion what I was told was horrifying , Traumatizing, and life altering. It has been a pleasure listening to Vicky and doing the courses on traumas and understanding my boundaries. Although I played a big part in this, we are now healing. Putting the pieces of the puzzle that were missing before. I highly recommend Vicki Tidwell Palmer to everyone because she just makes sense. I can’t thank her enough. I now know what boundaries are and triggers and how to settle my mind. My eyes are wide open and I’m always listening to my soul. I think God every day.
Hi Teresa, thanks for sharing your story of experience, strength, and hope. Disclosure is so painful, yet a necessary part of moving forward and rebuilding the couples’ relationship.
I love that you are “always listening to your soul.” You’re doing great!
I have high regard for your work and we use your book in our partner’s healing group. However, I think disclosure needs to happen as quickly as possible. I am partner who had to wait for seven months for disclosure. It was excruciatingly painful and became more traumatic by the day. The therapist who was preparing me would ask me questions like, “What will you do if you find out your partner was sleeping with your next door neighbor?” or “What will you do when you find out your partner was buying gifts for another woman?” She filled my head with many fearful thoughts and I already had enough of my own. I feel that discovery is much like the death of the partner and much the same as any mysterious death, an autopsy should be done immediately. One does not leave the survivor with the body while it decomposes. I thought the process was inhumane. It couldn’t possibly be less terrifying and horrifying than staggered disclosure. The details are not as horrible as the betrayal, the lies and the web of deception.
T, I completely agree with you that disclosure needs to happen as quickly as possible. As you so well described, disclosure and waiting for disclosure are traumatic for partners.
Seven months is actually fairly swift for formal therapeutic disclosure, unless the FTD is done in an intensive. There are many factors that cause disclosures to take longer than a betrayed partner would like, including the diligence of the unfaithful spouse in preparing the document, and his/her readiness to be 100% transparent and honest. In fact, it is very common for sex addicts to recall additional information in the weeks and months spent preparing a disclosure.
Therapists must navigate a delicate balancing act to both meet the betrayed partner’s needs for information, while ensuring that the information she/he will get is accurate and complete. Sadly, most sex addicts in the first 6-9 months of recovery are not capable of the kind of honesty required for a thorough, and healing, disclosure.
Hello Vicki, we are preparing for my husband’s FTD in the next few weeks. He recently told me that he is only planning on sharing his acting out behaviors beginning with when we met. Based on my research (including reading your book) my expectation of learning ALL of his acting out behavior from as far back as he remembers is correct.
The reason for my wanting to know that far back is that I need/want to know who I married. If he had acting out behavior prior to us meeting and also prior to our marriage and he is keeping those secrets buried then that allows the deceit to continue. I want to be sure I am not mistaken and have expectations that won’t be met during disclosure.
Can you comment on this?
Thanks so much!
Hi Cindy, this is a great question. It makes sense to me that you want to know the past sexual behaviors of the person you are married to, and that is why I recommend that an overview of a person’s sexual history—including pre-relationship—be part of the Formal Therapeutic Disclosure, unless the betrayed partner does not want that information.
This is a good example of boundary work in that you have identified what you want (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process). The next step is to ask how you can get your need met (Step 3). In this case, a request is the only option since the only way you can get the information you want is through another person’s cooperation. If your husband’s past sexual history is important to you, you can certainly make a request of him and his therapist for that information to be included in his FTD. Every therapist handles this part of FTD differently; however, you have a right to make the request and it is a reasonable one to make.
Thank you Vicki, we held the FTD on Thursday evening. I learned much more about my husbands acting out and past behavior, which explains why I haven’t been happy in this marriage in a very long time. He had been sexually abused as a boy (which he shared very briefly with me when I pressed him) and the trauma manifested itself into sexual addiction at a young age. This is very sad and tragic.
None-the-less the acting out behaviors are quite disturbing to me, I discovered that he was continuing to act out before during and after our wedding and include exhibitionism, voyeurism, hiring prostitutes and having one-night stands. The worst part is that he admitted that he “inadvertently”exposed my adult son and his girlfriend to some of the acting out, this is unacceptable to me. Although I am responsible for staging the intervention with my husband 4-months ago and he seems to be committed to his therapy I am still not feeling good about staying in this marriage. I am receiving good therapy, it’s helping me, but I am not sure that I can endure the long road to his recovery.
Thank you,
Cindy
Hi Cindy, I’m sorry to hear that your disclosure contained so much information that you had no prior knowledge of. These are the most difficult and painful kinds of disclosures, and I can understand why you’re feeling uncertain about the future.
Please be gentle with yourself, and take your time coming to clarity. There is no need to feel pressured or rushed into making a decision. You are only a few days post-disclosure and probably still in shock. Most partners find that their thoughts and feelings change many times in the weeks and months post-FTD.
Take good care.🌸
I am the partner who was unfaithful. As I go through therapy and am writing the disclosure I am terrified. This process and the feedback from the couples therapist have brought back a lot of shame and anxiety to the point that I don’t know if I can move forward with it. I wasn’t prepared for how often I should tell my partner that I betrayed them, that I lied to them, or that I acted selfishly, or that I violated our marriage vows. I was prepared to say these things but wasn’t prepared to say them over and over again. I left the feedback meeting feeling utterly ashamed and I don’t know if I can go back. As I’ve scoured the internet for stories of disclosure, both good and bad, I am not really finding anything. As I search the internet for guidance on how I, the unfaithful partner, can prepare for disclosure I don’t find anything. My mind is running wild with how my partner will react and how all my shame will manifest. I can imagine a situation where my partner is hurt and we don’t have contact for 48 hours while I am engulfed in fear, shame, etc and simply run away from it all. I can see this happening as I have seen so little to prepare me for the disclosure while we’ve spent weeks tailoring the language and process to ensure my partner is prepared and has all the answers needed.
So what can you offer that helps me see that this process is worth it and not just another extension of a religious process to shame me?
Hi Bob, I applaud your courage for choosing to go through the disclosure process. I have never met an unfaithful spouse preparing for disclosure who wasn’t terrified or who didn’t think his partner would leave once she/he heard the disclosure. But the real truth is, that rarely ever happens. In fact, in the 10+ years I have worked in this field, no partner has left a relationship immediately (meaning within months) following Formal Therapeutic Disclosure.
Here’s what I recommend you do as soon as possible: reach out for support and connection with your therapist and your recovery community if you belong to one. If you don’t, I highly recommend you find a phone or virtual meeting you can attend (see Resources page for links). You will gain much experience, strength, and hope by talking to other men who have gone through disclosure, survived, and can attest to how it helped heal and rebuild their relationship.
If you’re not sure what to do first, call the International Service Organization (ISO) of Sex Addicts Anonymous. You can often get a live person if you call during regular business hours. The phone number is at the bottom of the page link provided.
Lastly, I’m not sure what you mean by “religious process.” I see Formal Therapeutic Disclosure (FTD) as a relational process that is not associated with any religion or faith. FTD, followed by polygraph, is the most effective means for establishing a foundation from which a couple can rebuild after infidelity.
Hang in there, I hear that you’re terrified and yet you’re doing great! And please reach out and talk to someone today.
Bob, I’ve been there. Thank you for writing.
My wife and I have both been in recovery since discovery over 10 years ago. We intended to do a FTD, but for many reasons it kept getting delayed, sometimes my fear, sometimes crises, sometimes her fear.
Last year I spent 7 months working with a CSAT to write it. My wife worked with her therapist and read many resources, and sent many additional questions, which the CSAT wasn’t very supportive about — they didn’t fit his format — but I felt OK answering anything she wanted to hear. We found the book Stop Sex Addition quite helpful.
I moved to a friend’s empty apartment for the week of the disclosure, to give her time to deal with her inevitable reaction. She couldn’t look me in the eye, and was flooded with shame and trauma by hearing me disclose in front of the male CSAT hurtful ways I had treated her sexually, and with the way I had summarized my affairs — it sounded like a checklist, notches on my belt, though I had intended it to be a clean summary, not realizing how it would sound. So we stopped. She clarified exactly how much detail she wanted. I revised it. Then instead of me reading it, she read it privately in her therapist’s office, then we met to review questions. My key learning: this is for HER. So do what she needs, do what she requests. Look for therapists who understand partner trauma — which is sadly missing from most CSATs’ training.
She was extremely triggered — and I was then also triggered with shame and anger. I had been talking about what I had done for 10 years, in 12-step meetings, in therapy, and with my wife — over and over and over. But her level of upset was still overwhelming.
After that meeting she pretty much fell apart, and I wasn’t invited home after a week as originally planned. Eventually she sent a letter with 8 non-negotiable demands — several of which I couldn’t agree to, e.g. change sponsors, get yet another therapist specializing in abuse. I was abusive, for sure — but I’m no longer acting in seriously abusive ways, and I am confident that I have the right therapist, working on my trauma. However, I do understand that my reactivity feels like abuse to her — I do lose my ability to listen calmly when she floods with upset and anger, and I end up raising my voice too, and I’m big and male — scary. I’m working on that.
So a few weeks later I replied that I couldn’t meet all her requests, I accepted that she had said she couldn’t stay married if I didn’t, and I couldn’t agree with some of the ways she characterized me. I was open to a miracle, I wanted it to work, but given what she had written I didn’t see a way forward.
To my amazement, a month later she had a complete turnaround. We’re back together. It’s bumpy — of course! But it’s really different. She absolutely believes me now, whereas, because of my initial “staggered disclosure,” for 10 years she was afraid I was still lying, doing even worse things, still keeping secrets. After my very thorough disclosure and a clean polygraph, and after she got a lot of help over 3 months, she can finally believe me. That’s a miracle, and wonderful.
She still gets triggered. Her fear comes from her family of origin, compounded by choosing me as a partner, replicating the trauma from her father. But we’re on the same team now. We have hope. We’re even having fun.
My request is that she work on her reactivity until she can “own” when she’s triggered, can say something like, “I’m feeling afraid you’re doing the horrible things you did back then,” instead of it coming into the present, like “how could you do those things! How can I ever trust you!”
I hope my experience is helpful to other sex addicts who face the very daunting challenge of doing a FTD.
BTW, I’m very grateful to have been directed to Steve Cabler, a polygrapher in Houston who has done thousands of FTD polygraphs. He “gets” it — he works to help the addict tell the full truth, unlike most polygraphs done for security or job screening that are trying to catch you lying. A completely different attitude. I thought it was crazy to fly from Boston to Houston for a polygraph, but I’ll go back for followups. An ex-marine, he’s a tough guy — but he has a heart, was completely straightforward with me and with my wife, who is also grateful for him. Search for his online interview.
I wish you and all my brothers trying to make things right all the courage and honesty you can muster. Coming completely clean, knowing I have done everything I could, is the best outcome I could imagine. It’s a step towards reality, towards sanity. It’s a gift of humility. My wife says, “Embrace the shadow, because that’s the only way you can heal.” Even if it had led to divorce, I know it was the right thing. I wish we had done it 8 years ago, though I’m very glad we didn’t do it the first months when I was in treatment (they used to fly the spouse in for a week, then send her home, while the addict had 2 more weeks of 24/7 care. Talk about further traumatizing the partner!)
FD, thank you for sharing your wise, supportive words with Bob (and all of us)!
FD…I find your words encouraging as I go through the painful process of giving my wife a FTD. I absolutely love, admire, adore and cherish my wife but yet has caused great pau, through the only 6 yrs we have been together. I am in therapy and also joined a group. I would love the,opportunity to talk with someone like yourself who has been through tbis process. My wife and I are selling our home, taking time apart and first going to grow our relationship with God and learning to be on our own. This was her decision but one I felt I had to agree to. Hope we can connect, would appreciate some wisdom from so.eone who has been there and is familiar with what I am about to face.
Hi Bob, I want to encourage you to go through with the FTD. My husband and I went through one 2/23/2018 after 16 years together. You need it to get all the secrets out so they don’t have a snare in you/no power to pull you back. I encourage you not to hold the worst behaviors back because it will leave you vulnerable to go back to them- which is what my husband did. We started treatment with 12 steps programs and even did some intensives which helped us both (Bethesda Workshops in Nashville) – the whole time saying porn was the only problem. He told his 12 step group that porn was the only problem- while holding back his acting out with prositutes. Well he relapsed in Oct 2017 with a prostitute. He didn’t get to FTD until Feb 2018… and admits he originally was only going to disclose porn and try to privately work on all the other stuff. Thanksfully, he came clean with all of it. Yes, it was hard to hear as the spouse that your husband hasn’t been faithful but at least I also got to hear how it all started, how he really “got” how wrong his thinking/behavior was and how he was going to make changes to prevent it from happening. I am not sure what you are really struggling with about saying your sorry over and over but honestly, if you really understand how much hurt and pain you are causing your spouse- you will be saying it over and over after FTD too. (Assuming you want to stay married.) I would encourage you to say you are sorry and are willing to do whatever it takes to fix the situation and start a new marriage with her. I had always told my husband if he cheated on me- I would divorce him- but I have learned it is not that easy once you are faced with a whole complicated situation. You need to tell her for your own recovery, for her to know what her reality REALLY has been all this time and so you both can make the decision to stay and work on a new marriage- where you truely know each other. If you don’t tell her everything you will never know if you would choose you -even with all those secrets. I choose to stay with my husband. I get to work out all my issues too- hopefully one day, we can have an awesome marriage and help others with this awful issue.
Cheryl, thank you for your courage, vulnerability, and sharing of your experience. It will help many.
My husband and I are scheduled for our FTD next week and I am absolutely terrified. We have had staggered disclosures for the past year, making it impossible to believe the repeated, “I’ve told you everything”. I’ve heard this so many times before, and every time it has been a lie. I think the biggest thing that I’m scared of is that he has chosen to string me along, knowing that he has failed to revealed the worst of his bad acts. To do this would mean that he has continued to lie to me in order to protect himself, knowing all the time that he is setting me up for such a horrible amount of pain, and that all the work we have both done over the past 12 months has been for nothing. How do I stay sane over this next week? And how do I walk into this ambush? I want to find a way to be happy, and I have come to a point where I believe that my husband and I can find happiness together. But how will I know if this is true, or if I’m just so beaten down by all of this that I have become too weak to leave?
Hi Erin, my heart goes out to you and I can imagine that you are feeling quite anxious about your FTD.
Simply put, you need support. Hopefully you are working with a therapist who is guiding you through the process. If you don’t already have a community of support, please reach out to one now. On the Resources page of my website you can find a list of communities for betrayed partners. Infidelity Survivors Anonymous often supports partners through the FTD process. You can also join my Survive & Thrive Membership Community, where there are several members who have been through FTD.
I wrote a series of articles about self-care for betrayed partners before, during, and after FTD. You can read the first one here.
Take good care, and reach out today to someone you can connect with either virtually or in person to walk you through this very painful process.
Thank you for your kind words and advice. I did have my FTD yesterday. I did quite a bit of post disclosure processing with my therapist immediately afterward and again today, and I also spent a while speaking to someone else who is about 6 months post disclosure. I’m going to be just fine. It is surreal to no longer have this looming in my near future and to finally have a starting point to try to build a new trust with my husband. We have a long journey, but I am trying to find relief in having made it past this step.
Thank you
Erin, I’m so glad you and your husband completed formal therapeutic disclosure earlier this week! FTD is such an important milestone for both of you individually and as a couple. I love that you said, “I’m going to be just fine.” Once a betrayed partner knows that she/he will be fine no matter what happens, it changes everything.
All best to you and your husband.
Hi Vicky, I recently discovered my husband’s years of compulsive sexual behavior that preceded our relationship and continued into our marriage and even after our son was born. I had no idea he was being unfaithful the entire time we’ve been in a “monogamous” relationship (5 years) and from the exchanges I found, it seems his behavior has only escalated over the last two years. I am certain divorce is best for us, one main reason being his addiction preceded me and had I known what he was doing, I would surely not have married him. He seems quite incapable of being honest now, a month after discovery of his infidelity and the staggered disclosure I’m receiving is just unbearable. I wanted to know – why is it that you say a Formal Therapeutic Disclosure should only be done if divorce has not been initiated or the betrayed partner not yet announced that intent? I imagine it’s because with that in mind, the addict may have another reason to be dishonest? Our family is hurting dearly and my main goal is to protect the children from someone I perceive to be a dangerous man (there is of course, a lot more to this story and disturbing, unhealthy sexual fetishes I never knew existed, hence the fear of what he may do to my children). I want to know that he is healthy enough to be around as a father and to have involvement with my daughter who is not biologically his but whom he’s raised as his for the past 4 years (she’s just 6 now). I want to trust him enough to know he truly cares about and loves his family and puts our well-being first. I feel as though without some sort of full disclosure, this just won’t be possible, married or not, because I won’t know who I’m really dealing with. If you could help me understand this piece, I’d greatly appreciate it.
Hi Tiff, I’m so sorry to hear about your situation and I completely understand why you would ask about Formal Therapeutic Disclosure in your situation.
In general, therapists do not recommend FTD when there is already a plan or strong intention to divorce. There are many reasons for this, but the primary reason is that the person giving the disclosure has the right to protect his/her private information from someone he/she does not intend to maintain a relationship with, or with someone who has no intention of staying in a committed relationship.
At the same time, when the safety of children is a concern, there is often a need to get more information. However, FTD is not the best source of getting this information. If you are concerned about “what he may do to [your] children,” I recommend that you request that your husband be evaluated by a professional who can assess whether or not he is a danger to children. This is probably best done by a polygraph examiner and a Licensed Sex Offender Treatment Provider (LSOTP), the designated certification in Texas where I am based. My recommendation would be to find the equivalent of an LSOTP in your area who can advise you since this is outside my primary specialization.
Our FD was a year ago. Eight grueling hours him disclosing 50 years of acting out. I am still in trauma and devastation. I call it purgatory. He failed the poly and refuses another one saying the polygrapher failed him. He’s had 3 slips since and I still dont hear or see 100% active recovery. We never did the impact letter or apology letter. There’s no closure and i feel as though I have been demolished by a hit-and-run driver. Most of his acting out was with other guys. My grief and anger seems unmanagable. We are separated, which at this point I think he’s happy he doesnt have to deal with a mad wife and he can do whatever he wants now. I am stuck and lost. Formal Disclosure revealed illegal behaviors too. I required he go to a 1-2 week intensive, but he refuses. He wont meet any if my safety net requests and wont answer questions about the FD. I feel hopeless and in dispair. I was the loyal, faithful, loving wife who did nothing wrong. I have read your book but do not understand the process of how to get my needs met. Im dealing with a narssisstic compulsive lying addict who’s not willing to give up control.
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office until Monday, October 15th. She will reply after she returns.
Carre, On behalf of
April, I am so sorry to hear about your situation and I can completely understand why you are feeling hopeless and in despair.
The truth is that your spouse is giving you very valuable information about who he is, what he is (not) willing to do, his commitment to his own recovery, and his willingness to restore the relationship. Of course, you would like him to make different choices, but ultimately you get to decide whether or not you want to remain in the relationship. That is where your power lies. While boundary work does not guarantee that another person will do what you want or need, it does provide clarity so that you can decide how to take care of you.
If you don’t already have support, I highly recommend finding a therapist who is trained to work with betrayed partners either on the International Institute for Trauma & Addiction Professionals website here, or the Association of Partners of Sex Addicts Trauma Specialists here. Also, check out the free communities for betrayed partner on the Resources page.
Thank you for your article and for the boundary solutions. They have been critical in creating safety for me as I navigate something I could have never saw coming in my marriage. I went through my disclosure this past Friday. As most experience, nearly everything my husband had told me since initial discovery was false. The trickle truth over the last 5 months nearly killed me while I begged for a formal disclosure and was shut down time and time again by treatment facilities. The disclosure itself wasn’t nearly as terrible as expected despite finding out deeply disturbing details of my husband’s addiction including over 20 affair partners and at least two affairs in our home, while I was asleep with our child upstairs. That’s just a the highlights. It was bad. That said, knowing how much I already knew, I had already realized he had no boundaries that he wouldn’t cross. While it had never occurred to me I could have been home for these encounters I wasn’t shocked. I didn’t cry throughout the event, partially because I already understood how seriously damaged he was, but also Bc I didn’t trust to be that vulnerable during the disclosure. He seemed deeply tormented when he spoke of his childhood and was totally placid when he talked about his deception. I realize that was likely out of shame and fear, but it was hard to experience.
The days after we’re and are heart wrenching. My husband is in patient treatment and I felt abandoned as I worked through this monologue in mind all weekend. I reached out to the spouse support person and got no response until Monday. Knowing that my marriage has meant nothing to my husband (despite what he says) has been hard to grieve. It would have been infinitely easier to grieve his death. While I have compassion for his hurt , I am deeply wounded. I have been spiraling for days despite continuing my daily work in my own recovery. Luckily I see my therapist today.
My question is how soon after disclosure do people typically reunite to start discussing. I feel abandoned and while I don’t expect perfection from my husband the experience of his behavior ( although typical it seems) during disclosure leaves me very uneasy despite the treatment facilities’ assessment that he’s doing the work. They are essentially suggesting that we begin marriage work when he leaves treatment around Christmas. It’s told time and time again to watch what they do and now I feel like I’m left waiting with no way to assess for myself. I can’t spiral and wait that much longer.
Casey, I am so sorry to hear about all you have been through and I can completely understand why you want more assurance that your husband is making progress. At a minimum, this would be a good time for the two of you to have weekly, or twice weekly, recovery check-ins so that he can share his progress with you. You can get information and an example of the couples’ recovery check-in process here. It would also be helpful for you to have an opportunity to ask any follow-up questions you have from the disclosure.
Your situation deserves much more time and feedback than I can offer here, and I’m glad you have an individual therapist to work with. I recommend completing a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier on this issue and talk to your therapist about how to get your needs met. If you don’t already have a Clarifier, you can get one here.
Take good care.
Hi Vicki,
I had my FTD a few days ago. We have been married for 5 years and been in a mostly long distance relationship for 5 years. While he has revealed that he has had over 70 partners in these years, there are gaps when he was specifically zoned out, emotionally absent, unable to show any empathy and so on which make me feel that he was acting out at that time. But, I feel he is omitting it as those were sensitive times such as pregnancy and birth of our child and so on. He had brought prostitutes into our car, did stuff in the back seat where my child’s car seat was etc.
He was completely devoid of emotion during the FTD, was not able to show any empathy( my therapist agreed as well), answer questions( deflected, justified etc). His disclosure also included a segment where he in a way was blaming me, though he had been acting out way before we were ever in a relationship.
He attends SA meetings once in a week or 2 weeks, attends a church meeting weekly, does not do check ins, which gives me a sense like he maybe in recovery but barely.
Does it seem that way to you as well?
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office until April 1 and will reply after she returns.
Carre
Maria, yes based on your description it does not appear that your husband has fully accepted powerlessness and embraced recovery.
I send healing wishes to both of you for healing, recovery, and restoration of your relationship if that is your desire.
Hi,
I have had multiple staggered disclosures and I would like my husband to do a formal disclosure with a polygraph. We both see regular therapist. What are your thoughts on which is best: going to a CSAT just for the formal disclosure and polygraph versus an intensive with a formal disclosure and polygraph? It’s been a 30 year relationship/marriage. I welcome any advice you have. Thanks
Hi Mel, I am so sorry to hear about your multiple staggered disclosures and I can understand why you are requesting a formal therapeutic disclosure.
Making a decision about the best option for FTD is extremely important, and deserves much more time and attention than I can offer here. I recommend contacting a CSAT who is certified to facilitate FTD intensives here. She/he can help you and your husband decide what is the best fit for your situation.
If you want feedback directly from me, I invite you to join my online membership community or get on the waiting list to join my online coaching group.
Take good care.
I noticed you referred to the infidelity as “chronic” infidelity. Does it have to be chronic in order to do FTD, or would a one time affair constitute asking for a full disclosure?
Hi True, although Formal Therapeutic Disclosure is primarily used in relationships impacted by sex addiction or chronic infidelity, you can certainly ask for FTD for a one-time affair.
My husband and I have been married 18 years. Our “D” day was two years ago. Since that time, my husband has been attending SA meetings, has a sponsor, acts as a sponsor for others and has been attending counseling with a CSAT (although he has changed counselors three times). I have been attending S-ANON meetings, have a sponsor and have a counselor who is a CSAT, specializes in trauma and helps partners of sex addicts.
One of my husband’s primary “defects of character” goes along with his attachment style, which is fearful-avoidant. His primary goal, no matter what, is to not make me angry. He presents this as this being for my benefit, but in my opinion, it is actually to prevent him from feeling any negative emotion or more shame. It is also to block any intimacy because he is also an intimacy-anorexic.
After two years, he has finally gotten around to writing a disclosure. It is obvious that it is his counselor who is requiring this which is actually hurtful to me because I would like to think that he would want to this to right what he has done wrong, but that does not seem to be the case.
While most of his acting out involved pornography and compulsive masturbation, the most painful part was him withholding everything from me and protecting his fantasy life…no matter the cost.
I have managed to drag out of him that he had fantasized and projected pornographic images and acts onto people that I know, such as my friends, my family members, his coworkers, my coworkers, women at church, etc. When he revealed that information, I asked him to live somewhere else until this is somehow resolved. I have also told him that I want the names of those individuals in the disclosure. He responded that would not be healthy for me and that his counselor told him not to include names if there was no physical contact.
I told my husband that I don’t think it is appropriate for me to consider staying in a marriage when I am unable to go out in public with my husband wondering if any friend we run into is one of the women he was infatuated with during his acting out in his fantasy world. His response was lusting after all women is what addicts do and it would just be better for me to assume that he did it to all women before he stopped acting out. He also reasons that it doesn’t matter because he doesn’t do that anymore.
I’m really trying to wrap my head around this, but I’m tired. I thought the disclosure was to stop the madness and eliminate the need for me to think that I have to figure it all out on my own. I have since told him that he is free to decide not to include the names and for that matter is free to choose not to do a disclosure. However, I explained to him that I am free to make the best choices for me should he decide to keep withholding information. I also explained that doing a disclosure while still withholding information is going to be a complete waste of time, energy and money.
Am I wrong to want the names of individuals that I know personally and who were objects of his fantasies? It seems to me that withholding is a central part of who he is and he just can’t let go of that sense of control.
Hi Kimberly, this sounds so painful wondering if women you may run into have been objects of your husband’s fantasies, and I can understand why you are tired.
I’m glad that you have the support of a CSAT, S-Anon, and a sponsor to help you navigate your situation. Disclosure is an important milestone for you and your relationship, and you are the expert on your life. If you feel it will not be what you need then it may not be a fit for you at this time without the information you have requested.
I wrote an article about sharing thoughts and fantasies that you might be interested in, and you can read it here.
Take good care.
It’s great that the disclosure process is made to help sex addicts become more open, honest, and better understand their behaviors. Couples that suffer from sex addiction should seek counseling and go through with this disclosure process so that the person that is addicted will have time to come to the realization of their problem. Thank you for the tips and advice about what to do with this type of addiction.
You’re welcome David!
As far as I know from what he has told me, my husband, a sex/porn addict for 20 years, has been free from porn addiction for 8 months. After the initial bomb dropped, and he realized just how sick he had been, he changed his phone number, emails, etc – and even legally changed his name (which he hated) -to completely divorce himself from his past and keep old/potential acting out partners from contacting him. He factory reset his computer and phone to guarantee he’d get rid of anything inappropriate, and only used a flip phone for 6 months. He now has a smart phone and has voluntarily given me access to everything, anytime, and voluntarily has his devices monitored by Covenant Eyes. He has told his therapist that his marriage and kids is the most important thing to him, and he will do whatever it takes to keep his family intact. He is not interested in making excuses, and I am very proud of the progress he has made.
However, when he chose to repent of his old lifestyle, he truly believed he could just stay on the straight and narrow and not look back. He doesn’t seem to grasp why it’s important – not just to me, but to him – to revisit his past, and unshackle himself from the shame of it all. He wants to just move forward and never think about it again.
However, I’m left reeling, because I’m trying to learn who I’m married to all over again. When we were dating, I asked all the questions you’re supposed to – and he lied about anything that made him feel shameful. I’m all on board with re-dating him all over again and learning who he really is – but when I ask him those same normal dating questions that he lied about before – he is overcome with such anxiety, depression, shame, and self-loathing that he can’t go on. He says he can’t answer because he doesn’t have the tools to cope with associating himself with the person who did all those things.
He’s attempted to do the weekly check-ins, but has only been able to get through one – he gets so overcome with guilt over having to be a person who does check-ins, he simply can’t do it, and collapses into sobs and suicidal thoughts. I realize now he may need years and years of therapy to deal with his depression and anxiety before we could ever have an FTD. This leaves me having to move on without him in my boundary work. I love him tremendously, but I feel myself detaching from him more and more everyday and I feel like I was thrown into this relationship against my will, and am being cheated out of knowing the truth of my own reality, the chance to know the truth about who I’m married to, and the opportunity to trust that truth.
Yes, his actions loudly speak every day that he’s serious about his recovery. But I need to clear up some doubts about his core values and character, as some of his acting out behaviors were illegal and I’m the only one who knows about them. Any time I’ve tried to bring those things up, he says “I’m a dangerous man, I don’t know how you can look at me. What I did was evil. I don’t do those things anymore – but I deserve to be punished for them.” And he talks about turning himself into the police, etc. Again, he doesn’t have the coping skills to revisit his past. So, until them, I’m not sure what to do with those thoughts and concerns. All it takes is one small trigger to detonate those bombs of doubt and I have to choose to 1. be honest with my feelings and risk my husband spiraling into suicidal thoughts or 2. try to bottle up my feelings and walk around like a zombie until the panic passes. I’m doing a DBT workbook on my own to learn how to deal with the panic, but I’m so frustrated because I know FTD would give me everything I need to begin the process of trusting my husband again.
We are both in therapy, but live in a small town with no support network, so we’re very much on our own. We’re both committed to this family, and aside from “the sex stuff,” our lives work beautifully, and I do believe he loves me and our family.
All this to ask: what does a couple do when their needs contraindicate each other’s healing? His shame is a millstone around both our necks. My need for disclosure triggers his shame and hurts him deeply, and his need to not look behind him leaves me with a huge chunk of my own life I don’t know how to process – which leaves me unable to move forward. We are at an impasse.
Hi Leah, I hear that you’ve been left reeling after the discovery of your husband’s addiction, and that you’re trying to learn who you’re married to all over again. It makes sense to me that you want to clear up the doubts about your husband’s core values and character and you want to know what does a couple do when their needs are not the same. I can imagine how scary it must be to wonder who you’re married to, and the confusion about how to proceed when the two of you have different needs and wants about disclosure.
This is your marriage — and it’s way too important to process in a blog comment. Giving you a quick answer based on limited information would be a disservice to you and the important questions you’re asking.
I would love to support you to get clarity about your wants and needs, and how to proceed. If you’d like to work with me directly, please check out my groups or join my online community for partners. Your situation deserves more attention, time, and support.
Take good care.
Hi Vicki,
After 4 years of what I thought was the perfect marriage, my world fell apart Aug. of 2018. I eventually discovered my husband has been addicted to pornography since childhood, he was sexually abused by his older brother. I found that he was sexting multiple women and trying to meet up with them when I was out of town. I was never able to prove he actually physically touched any of the women. After DDay he met with our pastor and says he prayed and ask God to forgive him and is now living for Jesus. He willing attended a 2 week men’s intensive and dealt with how his abusive childhood probably played a role in his addictive behaviors. He left that program with a list of follow recommendations to help keep him sober, such as attending 12 step meetings, getting a sponsor, and working with a CSAT. He went to 2 group meetings, about 3 therapy appointments and that is it. He continues to attend church on a regular basis, which we were doing prior to DDay. He says God has taken away this addiction and he doesn’t need to do any of the follow up work the intensive recommended. I had originally scheduled a 3 day couples intensive which required a FTD and polygraph and then decided to cancel it since he attended the 2 week intensive and seemed to be on the right path. 16 months later, I am now regretting I canceled the FTD because I am constantly wonder what the rest of the story is and if he is currently acting out, which he promises he isn’t. I know God is capable of healing anything, but I am fearful he is just using that as a cover-up. Do you feel a FTD would help me feel more at ease with continuing in this marriage, with him not getting additional support? Is it realistic to believe he is or will stay sober with a support system in place?
Thanks,
Tamera
Dear Tamera, this sounds so painful to be in constant wonder about what the rest of the story is and not knowing if your husband is faithful.
I hear you are regretting you cancelled your disclosure and you are wanting to know if FTD would help you feel more at ease. I don’t know what is best for you but I do believe you are the expert on your own life. Do you believe that disclosure will help with the fear of not knowing the rest of the story or give you clarity about continuing in the marriage? If your answer is yes, then it may be the right choice for you.
In case you don’t know, I will be hosting a free live call next Friday, January 17. I’ll be talking about self-care and I’d love for you to join me. Click here to sign up.
Vicki, thank you for your post about FTD and all you do to help those of us with betrayal trauma. We are coming up on almost 3 years from the initial staggered disclosure and my husband has declined twice to do a FTD. He says he has told me everything I need to know, and that I don’t need to know about anything that happened before we were married. Actually, I don’t know everything. I’ve had to guess at a lot of it and confront him about it. He’s shared his history with his therapist and his SA group, but says I don’t need to know. Does he get to decide what’s best for me?
Hi Wendy, I hear that you are wondering whether your husband gets to decide what is best for you in terms of how much information he gives you, is that right?
It’s an interesting question because on the one hand, yes he gets to decide how much information he wants to share. On the other hand, no one gets to decide what is best for another person. So my question for you is what do you want? What is best for you? If you want FTD, then you have a right to request one. And if your husband declines again, then you get to decide what is best for you, or how you want to proceed, based on his decision not to do one.
Thank you for the response. I totally get that I can’t compel him to disclose anything. I think the reason why I feel like I need a FTD is because there is so much of his history before marriage and even some parts of his history during marriage that I don’t know. I feel like there are secrets that keep me from knowing just who it is that I am married to, because he certainly isn’t the man I thought I married. Thanks again!