(The information contained in this post is for informational purposes only. Because of the serious nature of the disclosure process and the significant potential for harm due to improper use, this information should be used only in the context of a therapeutic process facilitated by a mental health professional trained in the use of formal therapeutic disclosure, and not as a self-help or do-it-yourself tool.)
Sadly, most partners of sex addicts experience what is commonly referred to as “staggered disclosure.”
Staggered disclosure is when a partner repeatedly discovers information about the sex addict’s infidelity either by accident, investigation, or by the sex addict’s own admission.
Staggered disclosure is painful and traumatic for partners.
To make matters worse, after sex addicts disclose incomplete or even misleading information, they often tell their partner, “I’ve told you everything.”
Prior to formal therapeutic disclosure, the statement “I’ve told you everything,” is almost always a further deception on the part of the addict.
For this reason, I encourage both the sex addict and her/his partner to refrain from having detailed conversations about the addict’s behaviors prior to formal disclosure.
As a partner, your initial response to being told that you can’t ask questions about the sex addict’s behavior may spark outrage. After all, you’ve been intentionally and repeatedly deceived and lied to, possibly for years. Why should you have to wait even longer for the truth? You may also wonder how you’re supposed to protect yourself if you don’t have information. Your questions are completely reasonable and understandable.
The truth is that unless there is an imminent risk of harm to you, your reputation (due to a public disclosure of the sex addict’s behavior), or to your children, it is more harmful than helpful for you and the sex addict to have unmediated and unfacilitated conversations about his/her history of infidelity prior to formal therapeutic disclosure.
However, you do need to protect yourself sexually and emotionally during this time. Boundary work at this stage is crucial. If you’re concerned that the sex addict may have exposed you to a sexually transmitted infection, for example, you need to get tested and refrain from sexual contact with the addict until after formal therapeutic disclosure (and polygraph, if applicable).
Formal therapeutic disclosure (“FTD”) is a mutual, planned, and professionally facilitated event where the sex addict reads a document prepared in advance describing his/her history of sexual infidelity.
FTD provides a foundation to begin the process of repairing the damage done to the relationship and to rebuild trust.
FTD typically happens in one of two ways: 1) after the sex addict has worked with an individual therapist over a period of months to prepare the document; or 2) in an intensive format of 3-4 days facilitated by a trained mental health professional.
While it can be frustrating for partners to wait for several months for a disclosure, the reality is that the disclosure process helps sex addicts emerge from denial, gain a better understanding of their behaviors, and become more forthcoming and honest.
If a disclosure process is rushed, the potential for omissions, attempts at further deception, and failed polygraphs is higher.
FTD should include the following components:
- The sex addict and partner are in agreement about participating in the formal disclosure process
- Both parties (with the agreement of their therapist(s)) are in agreement about the timing of the disclosure session
- Neither partner has initiated legal divorce proceedings or has recently stated that they plan to initiate divorce
- Partner is given an opportunity both before and after the reading of the FTD to ask questions of the addict
- The sex addict has worked with a therapist trained in facilitating disclosures to prepare the written document that will be read to the partner during the FTD
- At least one professional trained in facilitating FTD is present for the disclosure session
- Therapeutic and/or peer support is available to the partner both during and immediately after FTD
In addition, due to the level of deception inherent in sex addiction, a polygraph with an experienced polygraph examiner familiar with FTD is highly recommended, although optional. Polygraph is typically done immediately following disclosure — usually on the same day — and should be completed as soon as possible following a FTD.
Generally speaking, FTD should include the following information:
- Types of sexual acting out behaviors
- Approximate time frames of behaviors
- Approximately frequency of behaviors
- Approximate number of sexual partners
- The date of last contact with any affair partners and/or the last date addict engaged in behaviors
- Approximate amount of money spent on behaviors or activities related to behaviors, including source and location of funds
- Names of acting out partners known by partner of sex addict
- Health issues (sexually transmitted infections, etc.)
- Legal issues (e.g., arrests, lawsuits, and any children fathered by sex addict with affair partner)
- Incidents that may have directly or indirectly impacted the couples’ children (including exposure to pornography, affair partners, or the sharing of photos, etc. with affair partners or online)
- Brief sexual autobiography (optional, but may be particularly helpful in understanding the roots of addiction and its progression)
The following information should NOT be included in a FTD:
- Graphic details of sexual behaviors
- Names of affair partners not known by partner
- Locations of sexual acting out (other than the couple’s home or other property owned by couple)
- Addict’s thoughts or feelings about acting out partners
- Fantasies, unless they directly impacted partner (e.g., sex addict’s chronic use of fantasy during sex with partner or addict’s chronic inability to remain present in daily activities such as work, couples’ relationship, or parenting due to fantasy)
In the same session that a FTD occurs, the sex addict should present his/her sex plan or “inner circle” if the partner doesn’t already know it. The addict should also commit to telling his partner of any “slips” (engaging in any bottom line or inner circle behaviors) within a specific timeframe — typically 24-72 hours.
The combination of the FTD, polygraph (if applicable), sharing of sex plan, and commitment to disclose future acting out behaviors, provides the foundation for the repair of the relationship and the beginnings of rebuilding trust.
As a partner, you have a right to request a FTD. You also have a right not to receive a disclosure if you don’t want one.
If you’ve been wanting a disclosure for some time and the sex addict has been unwilling or has repeatedly stalled in following through, it is completely reasonable for you to request to join him at his next individual session with his therapist to discuss your requests and ask any questions you may have. (Read my article: How Long Should it Take to Prepare a Disclosure? here.)
If you’re a partner who’s been through disclosure and would like to share your experience, strength, and hope, please leave a comment below.*
Listen to a 110-minute presentation hosted by Vicki Tidwell Palmer, CSAT where she will teach you the fundamentals of a sound Formal Therapeutic Disclosure (“FTD”) process.
Get all the details and purchase online here.
© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2015)
Survival Strategies for Betrayed Partners blog articles are protected by U.S. copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, distributed, or re-published without written permission of the author.
*All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity.
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I have been through the disclosure with my husband and I am the partner, it was helpful but I pretty much knew everything already. In my opinion what I was told was horrifying , Traumatizing, and life altering. It has been a pleasure listening to Vicky and doing the courses on traumas and understanding my boundaries. Although I played a big part in this, we are now healing. Putting the pieces of the puzzle that were missing before. I highly recommend Vicki Tidwell Palmer to everyone because she just makes sense. I can’t thank her enough. I now know what boundaries are and triggers and how to settle my mind. My eyes are wide open and I’m always listening to my soul. I think God every day.
Hi Teresa, thanks for sharing your story of experience, strength, and hope. Disclosure is so painful, yet a necessary part of moving forward and rebuilding the couples’ relationship.
I love that you are “always listening to your soul.” You’re doing great!
I have high regard for your work and we use your book in our partner’s healing group. However, I think disclosure needs to happen as quickly as possible. I am partner who had to wait for seven months for disclosure. It was excruciatingly painful and became more traumatic by the day. The therapist who was preparing me would ask me questions like, “What will you do if you find out your partner was sleeping with your next door neighbor?” or “What will you do when you find out your partner was buying gifts for another woman?” She filled my head with many fearful thoughts and I already had enough of my own. I feel that discovery is much like the death of the partner and much the same as any mysterious death, an autopsy should be done immediately. One does not leave the survivor with the body while it decomposes. I thought the process was inhumane. It couldn’t possibly be less terrifying and horrifying than staggered disclosure. The details are not as horrible as the betrayal, the lies and the web of deception.
T, I completely agree with you that disclosure needs to happen as quickly as possible. As you so well described, disclosure and waiting for disclosure are traumatic for partners.
Seven months is actually fairly swift for formal therapeutic disclosure, unless the FTD is done in an intensive. There are many factors that cause disclosures to take longer than a betrayed partner would like, including the diligence of the unfaithful spouse in preparing the document, and his/her readiness to be 100% transparent and honest. In fact, it is very common for sex addicts to recall additional information in the weeks and months spent preparing a disclosure.
Therapists must navigate a delicate balancing act to both meet the betrayed partner’s needs for information, while ensuring that the information she/he will get is accurate and complete. Sadly, most sex addicts in the first 6-9 months of recovery are not capable of the kind of honesty required for a thorough, and healing, disclosure.
Hello Vicki, we are preparing for my husband’s FTD in the next few weeks. He recently told me that he is only planning on sharing his acting out behaviors beginning with when we met. Based on my research (including reading your book) my expectation of learning ALL of his acting out behavior from as far back as he remembers is correct.
The reason for my wanting to know that far back is that I need/want to know who I married. If he had acting out behavior prior to us meeting and also prior to our marriage and he is keeping those secrets buried then that allows the deceit to continue. I want to be sure I am not mistaken and have expectations that won’t be met during disclosure.
Can you comment on this?
Thanks so much!
Hi Cindy, this is a great question. It makes sense to me that you want to know the past sexual behaviors of the person you are married to, and that is why I recommend that an overview of a person’s sexual history—including pre-relationship—be part of the Formal Therapeutic Disclosure, unless the betrayed partner does not want that information.
This is a good example of boundary work in that you have identified what you want (Step 2 of the 5-Step Boundary Solution process). The next step is to ask how you can get your need met (Step 3). In this case, a request is the only option since the only way you can get the information you want is through another person’s cooperation. If your husband’s past sexual history is important to you, you can certainly make a request of him and his therapist for that information to be included in his FTD. Every therapist handles this part of FTD differently; however, you have a right to make the request and it is a reasonable one to make.
Thank you Vicki, we held the FTD on Thursday evening. I learned much more about my husbands acting out and past behavior, which explains why I haven’t been happy in this marriage in a very long time. He had been sexually abused as a boy (which he shared very briefly with me when I pressed him) and the trauma manifested itself into sexual addiction at a young age. This is very sad and tragic.
None-the-less the acting out behaviors are quite disturbing to me, I discovered that he was continuing to act out before during and after our wedding and include exhibitionism, voyeurism, hiring prostitutes and having one-night stands. The worst part is that he admitted that he “inadvertently”exposed my adult son and his girlfriend to some of the acting out, this is unacceptable to me. Although I am responsible for staging the intervention with my husband 4-months ago and he seems to be committed to his therapy I am still not feeling good about staying in this marriage. I am receiving good therapy, it’s helping me, but I am not sure that I can endure the long road to his recovery.
Thank you,
Cindy
Hi Cindy, I’m sorry to hear that your disclosure contained so much information that you had no prior knowledge of. These are the most difficult and painful kinds of disclosures, and I can understand why you’re feeling uncertain about the future.
Please be gentle with yourself, and take your time coming to clarity. There is no need to feel pressured or rushed into making a decision. You are only a few days post-disclosure and probably still in shock. Most partners find that their thoughts and feelings change many times in the weeks and months post-FTD.
Take good care.🌸
I am the partner who was unfaithful. As I go through therapy and am writing the disclosure I am terrified. This process and the feedback from the couples therapist have brought back a lot of shame and anxiety to the point that I don’t know if I can move forward with it. I wasn’t prepared for how often I should tell my partner that I betrayed them, that I lied to them, or that I acted selfishly, or that I violated our marriage vows. I was prepared to say these things but wasn’t prepared to say them over and over again. I left the feedback meeting feeling utterly ashamed and I don’t know if I can go back. As I’ve scoured the internet for stories of disclosure, both good and bad, I am not really finding anything. As I search the internet for guidance on how I, the unfaithful partner, can prepare for disclosure I don’t find anything. My mind is running wild with how my partner will react and how all my shame will manifest. I can imagine a situation where my partner is hurt and we don’t have contact for 48 hours while I am engulfed in fear, shame, etc and simply run away from it all. I can see this happening as I have seen so little to prepare me for the disclosure while we’ve spent weeks tailoring the language and process to ensure my partner is prepared and has all the answers needed.
So what can you offer that helps me see that this process is worth it and not just another extension of a religious process to shame me?
Hi Bob, I applaud your courage for choosing to go through the disclosure process. I have never met an unfaithful spouse preparing for disclosure who wasn’t terrified or who didn’t think his partner would leave once she/he heard the disclosure. But the real truth is, that rarely ever happens. In fact, in the 10+ years I have worked in this field, no partner has left a relationship immediately (meaning within months) following Formal Therapeutic Disclosure.
Here’s what I recommend you do as soon as possible: reach out for support and connection with your therapist and your recovery community if you belong to one. If you don’t, I highly recommend you find a phone or virtual meeting you can attend (see Resources page for links). You will gain much experience, strength, and hope by talking to other men who have gone through disclosure, survived, and can attest to how it helped heal and rebuild their relationship.
If you’re not sure what to do first, call the International Service Organization (ISO) of Sex Addicts Anonymous. You can often get a live person if you call during regular business hours. The phone number is at the bottom of the page link provided.
Lastly, I’m not sure what you mean by “religious process.” I see Formal Therapeutic Disclosure (FTD) as a relational process that is not associated with any religion or faith. FTD, followed by polygraph, is the most effective means for establishing a foundation from which a couple can rebuild after infidelity.
Hang in there, I hear that you’re terrified and yet you’re doing great! And please reach out and talk to someone today.
Bob, I’ve been there. Thank you for writing.
My wife and I have both been in recovery since discovery over 10 years ago. We intended to do a FTD, but for many reasons it kept getting delayed, sometimes my fear, sometimes crises, sometimes her fear.
Last year I spent 7 months working with a CSAT to write it. My wife worked with her therapist and read many resources, and sent many additional questions, which the CSAT wasn’t very supportive about — they didn’t fit his format — but I felt OK answering anything she wanted to hear. We found the book Stop Sex Addition quite helpful.
I moved to a friend’s empty apartment for the week of the disclosure, to give her time to deal with her inevitable reaction. She couldn’t look me in the eye, and was flooded with shame and trauma by hearing me disclose in front of the male CSAT hurtful ways I had treated her sexually, and with the way I had summarized my affairs — it sounded like a checklist, notches on my belt, though I had intended it to be a clean summary, not realizing how it would sound. So we stopped. She clarified exactly how much detail she wanted. I revised it. Then instead of me reading it, she read it privately in her therapist’s office, then we met to review questions. My key learning: this is for HER. So do what she needs, do what she requests. Look for therapists who understand partner trauma — which is sadly missing from most CSATs’ training.
She was extremely triggered — and I was then also triggered with shame and anger. I had been talking about what I had done for 10 years, in 12-step meetings, in therapy, and with my wife — over and over and over. But her level of upset was still overwhelming.
After that meeting she pretty much fell apart, and I wasn’t invited home after a week as originally planned. Eventually she sent a letter with 8 non-negotiable demands — several of which I couldn’t agree to, e.g. change sponsors, get yet another therapist specializing in abuse. I was abusive, for sure — but I’m no longer acting in seriously abusive ways, and I am confident that I have the right therapist, working on my trauma. However, I do understand that my reactivity feels like abuse to her — I do lose my ability to listen calmly when she floods with upset and anger, and I end up raising my voice too, and I’m big and male — scary. I’m working on that.
So a few weeks later I replied that I couldn’t meet all her requests, I accepted that she had said she couldn’t stay married if I didn’t, and I couldn’t agree with some of the ways she characterized me. I was open to a miracle, I wanted it to work, but given what she had written I didn’t see a way forward.
To my amazement, a month later she had a complete turnaround. We’re back together. It’s bumpy — of course! But it’s really different. She absolutely believes me now, whereas, because of my initial “staggered disclosure,” for 10 years she was afraid I was still lying, doing even worse things, still keeping secrets. After my very thorough disclosure and a clean polygraph, and after she got a lot of help over 3 months, she can finally believe me. That’s a miracle, and wonderful.
She still gets triggered. Her fear comes from her family of origin, compounded by choosing me as a partner, replicating the trauma from her father. But we’re on the same team now. We have hope. We’re even having fun.
My request is that she work on her reactivity until she can “own” when she’s triggered, can say something like, “I’m feeling afraid you’re doing the horrible things you did back then,” instead of it coming into the present, like “how could you do those things! How can I ever trust you!”
I hope my experience is helpful to other sex addicts who face the very daunting challenge of doing a FTD.
BTW, I’m very grateful to have been directed to Steve Cabler, a polygrapher in Houston who has done thousands of FTD polygraphs. He “gets” it — he works to help the addict tell the full truth, unlike most polygraphs done for security or job screening that are trying to catch you lying. A completely different attitude. I thought it was crazy to fly from Boston to Houston for a polygraph, but I’ll go back for followups. An ex-marine, he’s a tough guy — but he has a heart, was completely straightforward with me and with my wife, who is also grateful for him. Search for his online interview.
I wish you and all my brothers trying to make things right all the courage and honesty you can muster. Coming completely clean, knowing I have done everything I could, is the best outcome I could imagine. It’s a step towards reality, towards sanity. It’s a gift of humility. My wife says, “Embrace the shadow, because that’s the only way you can heal.” Even if it had led to divorce, I know it was the right thing. I wish we had done it 8 years ago, though I’m very glad we didn’t do it the first months when I was in treatment (they used to fly the spouse in for a week, then send her home, while the addict had 2 more weeks of 24/7 care. Talk about further traumatizing the partner!)
FD, thank you for sharing your wise, supportive words with Bob (and all of us)!
Hi Bob, I want to encourage you to go through with the FTD. My husband and I went through one 2/23/2018 after 16 years together. You need it to get all the secrets out so they don’t have a snare in you/no power to pull you back. I encourage you not to hold the worst behaviors back because it will leave you vulnerable to go back to them- which is what my husband did. We started treatment with 12 steps programs and even did some intensives which helped us both (Bethesda Workshops in Nashville) – the whole time saying porn was the only problem. He told his 12 step group that porn was the only problem- while holding back his acting out with prositutes. Well he relapsed in Oct 2017 with a prostitute. He didn’t get to FTD until Feb 2018… and admits he originally was only going to disclose porn and try to privately work on all the other stuff. Thanksfully, he came clean with all of it. Yes, it was hard to hear as the spouse that your husband hasn’t been faithful but at least I also got to hear how it all started, how he really “got” how wrong his thinking/behavior was and how he was going to make changes to prevent it from happening. I am not sure what you are really struggling with about saying your sorry over and over but honestly, if you really understand how much hurt and pain you are causing your spouse- you will be saying it over and over after FTD too. (Assuming you want to stay married.) I would encourage you to say you are sorry and are willing to do whatever it takes to fix the situation and start a new marriage with her. I had always told my husband if he cheated on me- I would divorce him- but I have learned it is not that easy once you are faced with a whole complicated situation. You need to tell her for your own recovery, for her to know what her reality REALLY has been all this time and so you both can make the decision to stay and work on a new marriage- where you truely know each other. If you don’t tell her everything you will never know if you would choose you -even with all those secrets. I choose to stay with my husband. I get to work out all my issues too- hopefully one day, we can have an awesome marriage and help others with this awful issue.
Cheryl, thank you for your courage, vulnerability, and sharing of your experience. It will help many.
My husband and I are scheduled for our FTD next week and I am absolutely terrified. We have had staggered disclosures for the past year, making it impossible to believe the repeated, “I’ve told you everything”. I’ve heard this so many times before, and every time it has been a lie. I think the biggest thing that I’m scared of is that he has chosen to string me along, knowing that he has failed to revealed the worst of his bad acts. To do this would mean that he has continued to lie to me in order to protect himself, knowing all the time that he is setting me up for such a horrible amount of pain, and that all the work we have both done over the past 12 months has been for nothing. How do I stay sane over this next week? And how do I walk into this ambush? I want to find a way to be happy, and I have come to a point where I believe that my husband and I can find happiness together. But how will I know if this is true, or if I’m just so beaten down by all of this that I have become too weak to leave?
Hi Erin, my heart goes out to you and I can imagine that you are feeling quite anxious about your FTD.
Simply put, you need support. Hopefully you are working with a therapist who is guiding you through the process. If you don’t already have a community of support, please reach out to one now. On the Resources page of my website you can find a list of communities for betrayed partners. Infidelity Survivors Anonymous often supports partners through the FTD process. You can also join my Survive & Thrive Membership Community, where there are several members who have been through FTD.
I wrote a series of articles about self-care for betrayed partners before, during, and after FTD. You can read the first one here.
Take good care, and reach out today to someone you can connect with either virtually or in person to walk you through this very painful process.