• Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login
×
  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Expectations & Contracts

July 20, 2015

expectations & contractsExpectation:
A strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future

Contract:
A written or spoken agreement

Knowing the difference between expectations and contracts is essential for good boundary work.

In relationships, we create expectations based on our own thoughts, or on what we’ve assumed or made up about what others will or won’t do. Sometimes, we create expectations that reflect what we want to happen rather than the reality of the situation.

People often make the mistake of believing they have a contract (or agreement) with someone when in reality they’ve created an expectation of what the other person will or won’t do.

If a friend says she plans to go to a music festival next Friday night and you decide to go, you might expect to see her there. If she’s not there, you may be disappointed because you would have liked to see her. However, since she didn’t make a commitment (agreement/contract) to you directly, the fact that she didn’t go to the festival isn’t a broken agreement.

On the other hand, if your friend says, “I’m going to the music festival Friday night. Would you like to meet me there at 8:00 p.m.?” and you agree to meet her, the two of you have an agreement, or contract. If either of you don’t show up, the contract was broken and a boundary violation occurred.

If an expectation is based on a commitment another person made to do something for us or with us, then it’s a contract.

For example, if the sex addict says he will call you if he’s going to be more than 15 minutes late coming home from work, he has a contract with you.

If you believe you have a contract (agreement) with the sex addict, but it’s only an expectation, you will feel angry, let down, and disappointed when he/she doesn’t do what you expected.

The problem isn’t that the addict didn’t do what you wanted or expected. The problem lies with your misunderstanding of the difference between contracts and expectations.

When you make a request of another person, you don’t have a contract or agreement unless you get a direct, affirmative response.

One of the best ways to make an agreement or create a contract with your sex addict partner is to make requests. Requests take vulnerability and courage. You’re taking a risk in asking for what you want, and you’re also taking the risk that you may not get what you request.

Requests for trust-building behaviors are the foundation for repairing your relationship.

I encourage you to identify your specific needs around rebuilding trust. Then, make requests directly to the sex addict rather than merely hoping, wishing, and praying for a particular outcome. If the sex addict agrees to your requests, you have a contract. (In future posts, I’ll outline the steps for creating and making effective requests.)

Understanding the difference between expectations and contracts will help you identify broken agreements, boundary violations, and avoid misunderstandings and unnecessary pain.

If you’ve ever mistaken an expectation for a contract, consider turning your expectation into a request. 

©Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2015)

*All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity.

Related

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 12.06.02 PM

Ready to to identify, create, and maintain effective boundaries?

Enter your name and email below to download the fillable PDF 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to record your work.

Infidelity Blogs

About Vicki


Vicki is the best-selling author of Moving Beyond Betrayal, host of the Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries, and blogger for Thriving After Betrayal blog, ranked one of the Top 15 Infidelity Blogs and Websites to Follow in 2019. Her latest project, unveiled on International Women’s Day 2020, is The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive.  read more…

Moving Beyond Betrayal
Online Courses

Categories

  • Addiction & Recovery
  • Boundaries
  • Disclosure
  • For Addicts
  • For Couples
  • Inspiration & Hope
  • Rebuilding Trust
  • Trauma & Partners

Recent Posts

  • Time to Thrive
  • Life Can Only Be Found in the Present Moment
  • Healing Begins With You
  • An Open Letter to Betrayed Male Partners
  • 5 Ways to Deprive the Past of Oxygen

Subscribe to Blog

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Moving Beyond Betrayal & Boundaries

The Book, “Moving Beyond Betrayal”

The 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Reading & Online Resources

Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Online Courses & Support for Partners Moving Beyond Betrayal

Thrive Member Community, Support for Women Moving Beyond Betrayal

Survive & Thrive Blueprint Mini-Course

Formal Therapeutic Disclosure/Polygraph Presentation Bundle

Taming Triggers Solution

Moving Beyond Betrayal Partner’s Boundaries Course

For Women Ready for the Next Phase of Healing

Explore The Radiant Threefold Path

Read Posts from The Radiant Threefold Path Blog

Learn about The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive

Get Your Free Invitation to the Path

Connect with Vicki

Facebook

Instagram

YouTube

Contact

© Copyright 2021 Vicki Tidwell Palmer. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy