Occasionally, an unfaithful spouse or betrayed partner asks, “Should I contact a former affair partner?”
Reasons for wanting to contact a former affair partner include:
- Wanting to establish a boundary that you (the unfaithful spouse) don’t want further contact—provided you haven’t already made this clear to the affair partner.
- Making a request of some kind, such as asking that the affair partner destroy digital photos or files, for example.
- Wanting/needing information that only the affair partner can provide, such as potential exposure to an infectious disease.
- Clarifying or sharing a significant piece of information, like a previously undisclosed pregnancy, or that you have exposed the affair partner to a sexually transmitted infection.
Addicts who are serious and committed to their sobriety and recovery typically have no reason to contact a former affair partner, sex worker, or any other person who was part of their sexual acting out past.
In fact, if there are multiple former partners, most unfaithful spouses should take necessary steps to prevent future communication, including closing email accounts used to communicate with an affair partner, or getting a new cell phone number. At a minimum, a former affair partner’s phone number should be blocked to prevent receiving further communication from her/him.
While it may be tempting for you—the betrayed partner—to want to contact a former affair partner to ask questions or make a request, I generally don’t recommend that either person in the couple relationship make contact with a former affair partner for the following reasons:
- Depending on the person you’re dealing with, the one contact you have may unintentionally encourage future, unwanted communication.
- Generally speaking, contact with a former affair partner is at best unnecessary, and at worst more drama and heartache for the couple.
- The most effective way to communicate to another person that no further contact is wanted is to simply have no contact.
Even if you have a specific request of an affair partner—such as destroying digital files or other evidence of the unfaithful spouse’s past behaviors—there is no guarantee that your request will be honored, even if agreed to. In cases like this, it’s crucial to remember that you’re likely dealing with a person who lacks integrity, or worse, is dangerous.
Even though I don’t recommend you or your spouse have contact with former affair partners, you can make a request of your spouse to end communication with a former affair partner he/she may still have contact with as a way to repair the damage done to your relationship.
You can also ask your spouse to provide proof that he has communicated with the other person his/her decision to end contact. This is best done in writing with as little detail as possible. For example, your spouse can say:
“I don’t want any further communication with you, and I ask that you not contact me again in the future. If you contact me in the future by phone, text, or email, I will not respond.“
Regardless of who wants to make contact with a former affair partner, I highly recommend you discuss with your therapist, sponsor, or trusted mentor whether or not communication is advisable, and explore all potential consequences.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)
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Contacting the former affair partner for the reason of asking that photos or files are deleted is a terrible, terrible idea for 2 reasons. Any contact with the former partner which requires them to do something, opens the door for communication. It does. And that door doesn’t have to be open much at all for feelings to be relayed back and forth. The second reason, and yes, this will depend on the mindset of the former partner, this request for deleting of files will only give them leverage. This is leverage they don’t need and leverage that you don’t want them to have. If you make contact (huge mistake) and they decide they don’t want to delete anything being digital files or personal gifts, this can be used against you. If you or the former partner already established the no contact rule, there are no reasons to go against it. Ever.
Thanks Robert, great points!
If the affair has to do with their work and co worker and no one is willing to leave their position what can the betrayed spouse do or what is a healthy way a betrayed spouse should deal with this?
Albert, this is a difficult situation with no easy answers.
Generally speaking, if the workplace is very large where the two people work on different floors, different locations, etc. it can sometimes be tolerable for the betrayed partner if the couple creates mutually agreeable boundaries and the unfaithful spouse is forthcoming and transparent around any contact with the former affair partner. However, in a smaller work setting with the two individuals come into regular contact with one another, this is a scenario most betrayed partners find unworkable.
When the situation is not tolerable to the betrayed partner, her/his only course of action is to talk to the unfaithful spouse and make a request for what he/she wants. I recommend using a 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier as a guide to this process.
If the unfaithful spouse is unwilling to agree to the request or negotiate an alternative, mutually agreeable solution, the betrayed partner must decide what that means to him/her. In this case, I would highly recommend working with a therapist, coach, or mentor to help explore the betrayed partner’s options.