Learning about and practicing healthy boundaries in relationship is challenging.
In my article, Creating Your Haven of Safety I discussed the four types of boundaries and how they operate.
The four primary boundaries are:
- Physical
- Sexual
- Talking
- Listening
Boundaries are the practice of creating physical (including sexual), intellectual, emotional and spiritual safety through protecting ourselves and others.
At the extremes of boundaries, we are either boundary-less (too vulnerable) or walled off (invulnerable).
Boundaries serve two primary functions:
- Boundaries create safety by protecting ourselves from others and protecting others from our inappropriate or boundary-less behavior.
- Boundaries define who we are by letting others know how close they can get to us physically, sexually, intellectually, emotionally or spiritually. Like a physical fence, boundaries communicate that “this is me/mine.”
In order to know your boundaries, you must know your reality. Your reality at any given moment is your physical sensations, thoughts, emotions, and behavior. When you know your reality, you can identify and express your needs and wants in relation to your physical, intellectual, emotional and spiritual self.
Non-negotiable Boundaries
There are two types of non-negotiable boundaries. Non-negotiable personal boundaries and non-negotiable relationship boundaries. Personal boundaries involve physical and sexual touch, while relationship boundaries involve more complex, interpersonal dynamics.
Generally speaking, non-negotiable boundaries are those around which you are not willing to negotiate or compromise. Physical and sexual boundaries are non-negotiable personal boundaries, meaning that when a person says “no” to physical or sexual touch, their “no” must be respected. Otherwise, it’s a boundary violation.
Violation of certain non-negotiable boundaries are relationship “deal breakers” because if the boundary is crossed, the person who has established the boundary will leave the relationship. These are non-negotiable relationship boundaries.
Some common non-negotiable boundaries created by betrayed partners are:
- Abuse of a child
- Viewing of child pornography
- Sexual contact with another person outside the relationship
- Ongoing deception (e.g., lying over a long period of time about abstinence or sobriety)
Non-negotiable relationship boundaries are very personal and specific. No one can tell another person what their non-negotiables should be.
You must be absolutely sure that you’re prepared to follow through if you set a non-negotiable boundary.
This is true of any boundary we set. If you say you will leave if your unfaithful spouse has a slip, lies to you again, or doesn’t follow through with a commitment of some kind but you doesn’t follow through, you become untrustworthy to yourself. Your words become hollow and lose their power to protect you and to communicate your wants and needs. Boundaries should not be made in haste or in the midst of experiencing strong emotions.
Myths & Misperceptions about Boundaries
When practiced in relationships, boundaries are sometimes seen as punishment carried out by rigid, uptight or selfish people. They’re often thought of as harsh, cold or uncaring. Because boundaries create limits, they are sometimes seen as repressive or restrictions on personal freedom.
If you grew up in a family where one or more family members repeatedly violated boundaries and wasn’t held accountable for their behavior, you may believe there are certain people with whom you don’t have a right to establish boundaries.
This is simply not true.
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they allow us to tell another person what they can or cannot do. In a parent-child relationship a parent can tell the child what he/she can or cannot do.
In adult-adult relationships, you can make a request for a change of behavior but you can’t demand any action or behavior from another person.
However, you do have the right to take action for your own self-care or protection if the other person can’t agree to an important request or they break an agreement. These actions can be as simple as taking a time-out or as significant as leaving the relationship.
Sometimes when you make a decision to protect yourself, your self-care is interpreted as punishment. For example, if your spouse has been irresponsible with money repeatedly and has broken financial agreements, you may decide to get a separate bank account. The choice to get a separate account is not a punishment. It’s an act of self-care and a consequence of repeated boundary violations.
Boundaries create safety and determine the quality of our relationships.
Practicing healthy boundaries is complex, challenging and rewarding. If you’ve been struggling to set boundaries, make a commitment to take one small step today.
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2014)
This is good info. I’d like to read more about it. Q… What do you call obvious unspoken boundaries like hitting, stealing money, damaging your items and such.
Thanks Jim, all of the items you mention are examples of physical boundary violations since they involve either a person’s physical body or their personal property. If you’re interested in learning more about boundaries, my weekly podcast, Beyond Bitchy: Mastering the Art of Boundaries will give you a wealth of information.
Thank you Vicky,
I listened to #29 and wish I had this resource 8 years ago. Another Q: How do you deal with the one time offense that becomes something else the next time. Kicking the dog, slamming the door so hard the glass breaks. Bashing things on your new countertop. Followed by blaming stress. Something new every time, many months apart. She eventually went to therapy, got meds. Then it got worse. I thought a shared culture and a verbal declaration of our general goals of knowing right from wrong would be enough. Boy was I wrong. Was this doomed from the start? We lasted 28 years. Your thoughts?
James, you are in a difficult situation with many complex factors that need more attention and exploration than can be addressed here.
If you don’t already have a therapist to work with, I highly recommend you find someone to work with who can provide the kind of support and guidance you need. If you are a betrayed partner, you can find a qualified therapist through one of these websites: www. iitap.com, http://www.apsats.org or http://www.sash.net. If you would like to get connected to other betrayed partners and learn directly from me how to navigate betrayal trauma with boundaries, please join my online membership community. You can get all the details and sign up online here.
I’ve been studying your posts, they have been so, so helpful. I’m having troubles figuring out what my boundaries should be with my husband. Particularly when it comes to his lying about slip ups. There have been a series of more serious lies as well. I don’t know how to proceed. He’s a good man and I want to stay with him, but the lying needs to stop. We hopefully will afford proffesional marriage counseling next month. Until then, how should I respond to his dishonesty? How do I tell him that I know he’s had a slip up, and that I know he is lying to me about it? I want to be constructive.
Hi Katy, this is one of the most challenging aspects of being in a relationship with an addicted person. You cannot control whether another person lies to you, but you can decide how you will respond.
I wish there was a simple and brief answer that would “solve” the deception problem, but it really all comes down to your ability to practice of self-care and boundaries which takes time, support, and usually some guidance.
If you don’t already, please get a copy of my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, and download the 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier here which will help walk you through the boundary-setting process.
If you’d like to work directly with me to get questions answered in more detail, please consider joining my online community or join the Survive & Thrive Blueprint Live Online Mini-Course that is happening right now. You can find all the details about the online community here, or sign up for the 5-part online course here.
Best to you.
Great article! Question. Sometimes the terminology can be confusing a bit. So, I wanted to ask you: What is the difference between a slip up & boundary violation??? …Or are they viewed as the same thing? Here in your article, instead of using the term slip up, you used deal breakers! For EX: My husband is taking active steps to recover from a porn addiction. Even though he is taking active steps & preventative measures, realistically that doesn’t mean he’ll be perfect & won’t ever in life “slip up” with it again. Therefore, I’m willing to be gracious & understanding. So, personally I wouldn’t find that as a reason to leave (unless it becomes a total relapse & is repetitive). However, to name a few boundaries that we’ve agreed too, it would be things like; numbers from the opposite sex, being in the home of the opposite sex alone, the use of dating apps/sites. I’m curious to know if the boundaries we’ve agreed to, would be considered “slip ups” if crossed. With an addict, do I have to realize that boundaries are something that can be crossed too? Would that be seen as a slip up, or violation? Or would a violation be something that is a DEAL breaker as you would say. I hope I made sense.
Thank you for your comment. Vicki is out of the office until April 15th and will reply after she returns.
I am living the same life as you…..I think the difference lies in whether your husband proactively shares his “slip-up”. That would be forgivable for me, whereas if I “catch” him in a lie—that is a violation of trust.
Hi Christina, great question with a complex answer. Here are some thoughts to get you started:
A person’s boundaries around their own behavior are their boundaries, and yes it is possible for a person to violate their own boundaries! If you’ve ever told yourself you are not going eat that second piece of cake or that you’re not going to gossip with co-workers anymore but you do, you have violated your own boundaries.
I think what you are referring to are non-negotiable relationship boundaries. Those are boundaries that each person gets to set around any behavior, etc. that is a deal-breaker in their relationship, meaning that if that behavior, etc. occurs they will leave the relationship. For more information about these types of boundaries, read my article about non-negotiable boundaries here. There is also information in my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal, and my online course Moving Beyond Betrayal Partner’s Boundaries Course about non-negotiable boundaries.