I don’t believe in rejection. Don’t get my wrong, I’ve experienced what most people think of as “rejection.” Not getting the job, the opportunity, or the guy. In fact, my high school sweetheart unceremoniously ended our 6-year relationship—and our engagement—over the phone. Ouch. But I don’t see it as a rejection. Rejection is defined as:… Continue Reading…
5 Spiritual Lessons From Waze
Sometimes spiritual lessons come from the most unexpected places. I’ve been using the navigation app Waze for a couple of years now. If you’re not familiar with Waze, it’s “the world’s largest community-based traffic and navigation app,” according to its website. The more I use Waze, the more I see the many spiritual and recovery lessons… Continue Reading…
Being Right & Being Happy
Has anyone ever asked you, Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?” The first time I heard this question—many years ago—I have to admit I didn’t get it. I thought, can’t you be both right and happy? As it turns out, not always. If you have a habit of… Continue Reading…
3 Reasons NOT to Share Consequences
Betrayed partners often want to know whether they should share with their spouse the consequence they plan to follow through with when they set a boundary. When thinking about responses to boundary problems or violations, it’s important to remember that boundaries are not something you impose on another person. However, you can create boundaries around… Continue Reading…
Revisiting Your Rights as a Betrayed Partner
Back in September of 2014 I wrote A Partner’s Bill of Rights, an article that includes a list of rights for betrayed partners, also available in my book, Moving Beyond Betrayal. I was reminded this past Tuesday night during a Live Q&A Call for the launch of Taming Triggers Solution Online Course, that from time to time it… Continue Reading…
A Guide to Betrayed Partner Impact Statements
One of the partners in my Moving Beyond Betrayal Boundaries Course recently asked my opinion about betrayed partners writing an impact statement. If you’re not familiar with impact statements, they are a written document drafted by a betrayed partner—with the guidance and support of her or his therapist—that is eventually read to the unfaithful spouse, preferably in… Continue Reading…
Planning In-House Separation
Periods of separation in long-term relationships can be healing, illuminating, and even necessary—not just in relationships impacted by chronic sexual betrayal. In my article 7 Key Components of a “Therapeutic” Separation Agreement, I outlined the fundamentals of a therapeutic separation agreement for couples who are living in two separate residences. However, there are times when… Continue Reading…
Turning Complaints Into Requests
Do you complain or criticize your spouse, kids, family members, friends, or others hoping that they’ll change because you pointed out what you don’t like about their behavior? As illogical as it sounds, that’s what most of us do. In an effort to get our loved ones, family, and friends to change, we regularly use… Continue Reading…
The ONE Belief Every Betrayed Partner Must Embrace
In early January, I was honored to be the keynote speaker for the first annual Infidelity Survivors Anonymous Retreat here in Texas. During the Q&A Session on Saturday afternoon, one of the participants wanted to explore why she still gets triggered sometimes—even after many years of solid self-care, relationship healing, and boundary work. Like most… Continue Reading…
3 Biggest Mistakes Betrayed Partners Make When Creating Boundaries
To survive chronic sexual betrayal, one of the most important skills you must learn is effective boundary work. There are more benefits of understanding the way boundaries work than I can cover here, but a short list would include: Getting clarity about your needs and wants, and knowing how to get them met. Creating space… Continue Reading…
Should You Hire a Hacker or Learn Boundaries?
When you’re a therapist or coach specializing in working with people impacted by problems with sexuality or sexual issues, it’s inevitable that from time to time you get some—shall we say—interesting calls, texts, emails, and blog comments. A couple of weeks ago, I got this referral to a hacker: Hello, if you need a hacker… Continue Reading…
When Your Spouse Won’t Talk About His Therapy
Over the years, I’ve heard from a number of betrayed partners that their spouse won’t share anything about his therapy, despite being asked how their session went or what he/she is working on. To be fair, there are some very good reasons for a person not to share everything they talk about in therapy, or… Continue Reading…