• Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Vicki Tidwell Palmer

  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login
×
  • Home
  • Courses
  • Book
  • Blog
  • About
  • Member Login

Apologies to Dr. Phil

April 28, 2017

dr philHave you ever heard something—especially gossip—believed it, and then passed it on to other people as The Truth?

Most of us have, and I confess—so have I.

A couple of weeks ago in my Clear, Clean & Connected couples group, we were watching a video of a very well-known and respected couples’ therapist. He was talking about how challenging long-term relationships are, and as an aside he mentioned that even Dr. Phil had gotten a divorce.

When I heard him say Dr. Phil was divorced, I accepted it as fact because I remembered hearing the same thing awhile back—that Dr. Phil and his wife, Robin, were indeed divorced.

However, a couple of people in the group were hearing this “news” for the first time. It was so distressing that we had to pause the video to process their feelings about it. I wasn’t surprised at all because for me it was old news.

A couple of days later the topic came up in my office again, and this time I got curious to find out if what I had assumed to be true actually was.

So I consulted with Google, along with Dr. Phil’s website, and—sure enough—found out that Dr. Phil’s “divorce” from his current wife Robin was fake news. In fact, they celebrated 40 years of marriage in 2016.

How did this happen?

I couldn’t remember where I heard it, but it was so believable not only to me, but also to the couples’ therapist we were listening to, that both of us accepted it as Truth. But it wasn’t.

In my work, it’s extremely common for clients to come in having feelings—sometimes intense—about something that another person told them that someone else said. For example, a partner may tell me that the addict told her that his therapist—or sponsor—said something that she accepts as The Truth, even when the info seems suspect or even outrageous.

The problem is that when most of us hear about something that another person said or did, we accept it as truth and we don’t check it out.

We proceed as if what we heard is true with a capital T. And that can cause big problems.

For example, the addict might tell you that his therapist said he can’t complete a formal therapeutic disclosure until he’s reached a certain point in his 12-step or recovery work—a milestone far into the future, and one that had never been mentioned before. Or maybe he told you that his therapist said it’s okay for him to occasionally look at porn or not tell you when he had contact with a former affair partner.

You would probably have some painful feelings. But is the information true?

In cases like this it’s best to go to the source—especially when what you hear could have a significant impact on you, or you have strong feelings about it. It’s also important to be highly informed about recovery and your rights as a partner so you’ll know right away whether or not what you hear is in alignment with solid recovery practices.

Bottom line: In every situation it’s wise to verify information before passing it on, and to go straight to the source when you get confusing or distressing second-hand information.

 


If you’d like to receive blog posts just as soon as they happen, enter your email address now in the Subscribe to Blog via Email form on the right of this page.

© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)

All submitted comments are subject to editing to protect confidentiality and maintain anonymity. Submitted comments containing profanity, offensive language, or otherwise objectionable material will not be published.

 

Related

Screen Shot 2016-05-18 at 12.06.02 PM

Ready to to identify, create, and maintain effective boundaries?

Enter your name and email below to download the fillable PDF 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier to record your work.

About Vicki

Vicki is the best-selling author of Moving Beyond Betrayal, host of the Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries, and blogger for Thriving After Betrayal blog, ranked one of the Top 15 Infidelity Blogs and Websites to Follow in 2019. Her latest project, unveiled on International Women’s Day 2020, is The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive.  read more…

Moving Beyond Betrayal

Categories

  • Addiction & Recovery
  • Boundaries
  • Disclosure
  • For Addicts
  • For Couples
  • Inspiration & Hope
  • Rebuilding Trust
  • Trauma & Partners

Recent Posts

  • Time to Thrive
  • Life Can Only Be Found in the Present Moment
  • Healing Begins With You
  • An Open Letter to Betrayed Male Partners
  • 5 Ways to Deprive the Past of Oxygen

Subscribe to Blog

Enter your email address to receive notifications of new posts by email.
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Moving Beyond Betrayal & Boundaries

The Book, “Moving Beyond Betrayal”

The 5-Step Boundary Solution Clarifier

Reading & Online Resources

Beyond Bitchy Podcast: Mastering the Art of Boundaries

Online Courses & Support for Partners Moving Beyond Betrayal

Formal Therapeutic Disclosure/Polygraph Presentation Bundle

Moving Beyond Betrayal Clinicians & Coaches Course

For Women Ready for the Next Phase of Healing

Explore The Radiant Threefold Path

Read Latest Posts from The Radiant Threefold Path Blog

Learn about The Radiant Threefold Path | Return+Reclaim+Receive

Get the FREE Invitation to the Path

Connect with Vicki

Instagram

Facebook

YouTube

Contact

© Copyright 2023 Vicki Tidwell Palmer. All Rights Reserved. Privacy Policy