Do you remember the last time you told your spouse that something they did wasn’t working for you? Or maybe you made a request for a minor change of behavior (like spending more time connecting and less time on devices), and you got a less than positive response?
Sadly, this is more the norm than the exception in long-term intimate relationships.
When you hear from your partner that something you did—or didn’t do—was perceived as less than optimal, your response may be:
- But, you did (or you do) _______________ (sometimes referred to as “hocus pocus, change the focus” or a pivot)
- Why don’t you lighten up, it’s no big deal.
- Why are you always nagging me?
- You’re just over-reacting.
When you’re on the receiving end of a response like this, a typical internal translation sounds something like, “If he/she really cared about me or our relationship, he’d listen to what is important to me.” And while this is a common perception when receiving a defensive response, the reality is that your partner’s response is 100% about them, and not at all about you. But it certainly impacts you—in a negative way.
When your spouse tells you that something you’re doing—or not doing—is less than optimal for them, and does so in a relational way, she/he is making a bid for intimacy with you.
Your partner is attempting to get closer to you, and when they make a request they’re offering you a roadmap, with directions on how to get there.
Long after the discovery of infidelity or addiction, many couples struggle to re-establish a healthy sexual connection. There are many reasons sexual reintegration is a challenge for couples impacted by infidelity, including the unfaithful spouse’s fear of relapse and his partner’s sexual trauma brought on by betrayal.
Accountability must be at the top of the list for qualities and conditions required for couples’ sexual re-connection and re-integration.
How accountability works:
- Listen to what your partner is telling you as if you’re a reporter collecting data. This will help keep emotional reactivity at a minimum.
- If you become unsettled, emotionally triggered or activated while listening (one way you can tell is if your heart-rate exceeds 100 beats per minute), take a time-out until you’re feeling grounded and centered.
- When you respond to your partner, lead with agreement. Leading with agreement (a concept from Terry Real) means you start by responding with anything about which you have the same perception. If you consistently leave your clothes lying on the floor in your shared bedroom and your partner is fed up about it, it can’t hurt to start with, “You know, you’re absolutely right. I leave my clothes on the floor several times a week.”
- Apologize if you were in the wrong.
- Carefully consider if you can say yes to your spouse’s request. If you’re not sure, tell him/her that you need some time to think about it before you respond. Using this simple tool will help you avoid a knee-jerk “no” or making an agreement that—in reality—you have no intention of keeping.
- If you agree to your partner’s request, honor it.
And here’s a paradoxical truth:
When you own—and apologize for—your mistakes, your partner’s respect and admiration for you will actually increase!
Following these simple guidelines will get you well on your way to more accountability, and when you’re more accountable you’re exponentially more attractive to your spouse. And when you’re more attractive to your spouse, you’re likely to have more and better sex.
Maybe you’re not perfect, but you’re willing to actually look at yourself and take some kind of accountability. That’s a change. It might not mean that you can turn everything around, but I think there’s something incredibly hopeful about that.
—Brie Larson
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© Vicki Tidwell Palmer, LCSW (2017)
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Thank you for this insight on accountability. My husband and I are working on accountability with each other.
You’re welcome JayMarie—I’m glad the info was helpful!
Hi – I wrote this some 14 months ago. I am much much better now as I continue my journey (still without my SA ((Sex Addict))) but I still occasionally search the net for new material – it will happen – our generation is only at the front of a TSUNAMI of future issues surrounding internet addiction to Porn, Sex, Swinging, Voyeurism, etc.
“after some 5 years and self esteem that is now effectively ZERO….. to whom it may concern: the good doctor here is absolutely RIGHT on all counts! not only did I start to have a connection with one of the males we periodically “played” with – I began to obsess about WHO the next girl in was going to be! I can tell you after about 4 months now in S-anon, and many sessions with my therapist – I am STILL not OK. I have never ever in my life felt such indescribable physical pain at the revelation that many of the people on these sites are simply Sex Addicts – basically. While we started swinging as a interesting, curious past-time, this became an obsession with my spouse. A daily barrage of porn viewing, trolling sites for potential couple hook up and then the aftermath of “lets do it again”. Believe you me, I went to extreme to avoid this behavior in the past several years – however I still love the man – I am not with him, as I can only change myself………………but I can assure you- this is NOT THE ROAD TO happier marriage…. You CANNOT unring the bell. So, effectively as the spouse I now were the following potential badges: enabler, coaddicted (don’t think so, but lots of research on that position in the relationship), codependent, but over all those things – I AM A WRECKED PERSON. ”
I write this to help others that ARE suffering – YOU are worth it. find a meeting, a friend, someone….the rage and anger are too much for one spouse of an addict to handle on their own. I was silent for eight years, watched addiction steal my best friend, lover, spouse, soul mate….. it is beyond difficult – but there is HOPE. I am living proof of it. Find an SAA meeting in your area.
Hi Karen, I’m so glad you’ve found your way out of such a dark place that caused you so much pain. Thanks for sharing your story here—it will help many!